On The Issues – Quotes From Trump And Past Presidents

Trump Cat

ON WALLS
"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall." –Ronald Reagan

"I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me —and I'll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words." –Donald Trump

 

ON SERVING YOUR COUNTRY
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." –John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"He's not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people who weren't captured." –Donald Trump

ON SAYING THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T
"I have never been hurt by anything I didn't say." –Calvin Coolidge

"You know, it really doesn’t matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass." –Donald Trump (1991 interview for Esquire)

ON BEING A PARENT
"I’m inspired by the love people have for their children. And I’m inspired by my own children, how full they make my heart. They make me want to work to make the world a little bit better. And they make me want to be a better man." –Barack Obama

"She does have a very nice figure . . .  if [she] weren't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her." –Donald Trump

ON FEAR
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." –Franklin Delano Roosevelt

"When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best [sic]. They're sending people that have lots of problems. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists." –Donald Trump

ON RACE
"If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong." –Abraham Lincoln

"Laziness is a trait in the blacks. ... Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day." –Donald Trump

ON FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION
"We need not fear the expression of ideas—we do need to fear their suppression."  –Harry Truman

"Nobody wants to say this and nobody wants to shut down religious institutions or anything, but you know, you understand it. A lot of people understand it. We’re going to have no choice [but to close down mosques]." –Donald Trump

ON RESPECTING OTHERS
"Don't try to fine-tune somebody else's view." –George H. W. Bush

"You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes. Blood coming out of her wherever." –Donald Trump, insulting Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly over questions she asked during the first Republican primary debate

ON COMMUNITY
"We need a spirit of community, a sense that we are all in this together. If we have no sense of community, the American dream will wither." –Bill Clinton

"People love me. And you know what, I have been very successful. Everybody loves me." –Donald Trump

ON RESPECTING DIFFERENCES
"If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity." –John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that? The face of our next president? I mean, she's a woman, and I'm not supposed to say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?" –Donald Trump, regarding Carly Fiorina

ON FOOLS
"You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time." –Abraham Lincoln

"Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest – and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure, it's not your fault." –Donald Trump

ON FREEDOM OF THE PRESS
"Absolute freedom of the press to discuss public questions is a foundation stone of American liberty." –Herbert Hoover

“You wouldn't have your job if you weren't beautiful." –Donald Trump (spoken to a female reporter)

ON THE SHAPE OF THINGS
"We did not come to fear the future. We came here to shape it." –Barack Obama

"My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body." –Donald Trump

ON LIMITS
"Recognizing and confronting our history is important. Transcending our history is essential. We are not limited by what we have done, or what we have left undone. We are limited only by what we are willing to do." –George W. Bush

“You can never be too greedy.” –Donald Trump

ON CHANGE
"Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek." –Barack Obama

“Everything in life is luck.” –Donald Trump

ON ENEMIES
"Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?" –Abraham Lincoln

“I don’t like losers.” –Donald Trump

ON FOREIGN POLICY
"The best way to enhance freedom in other lands is to demonstrate here that our democratic system is worthy of emulation." –Jimmy Carter

“My favorite part [of Pulp Fiction] is when Sam has his gun out in the diner and he tells the guy to tell his girlfriend to shut up. Tell that bitch to be cool. Say: 'Bitch be cool.' I love those lines.” –Donald Trump (TrumpNation: The Art of Being The Donald, 2005)

ON KINDNESS
"I want a kinder, gentler nation." –George H.W. Bush

“All the women on The Apprentice flirted with me — consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” –Donald Trump

ON BREASTFEEDING MOTHERS
"You're disgusting, you're disgusting." –Donald Trump

Upcoming Presidential Election Threatens Takmijinstani Stability (Revised To Include Sources)

EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a revision of a story posted yesterday. It has been updated to include links to original sources. Click on underlined copy to get the full scoop.

TAKMIJINSTAN–Shafir Ohamaji, billionaire oil magnate of the little-known (and truly quite little) former Soviet Republic of Takmijinstan, is making headlines today as rumors circulated that he has bribed countless poll officials just days before their presidential election.

"If Shafir Ohamaji overthrows Takmijinstan's democratically elected president, this quiet, peaceful country will devolve into chaos, which could further disrupt an already volatile region of the world," said Howard White, World Politics professor at Northwestern-East University. "This isn't a sane man. He's a veritable time bomb, and we have no idea what could set him off.”

Much like his home country, Ohamaji hasn't previously made international headlines, but his stances on women's rights and other hot-button issues have frequently upset the reasonable majority of his progressive homeland.

"He once admitted that he finds his daughter to be so hot, that he'd date her if they weren't related," said White. "People originally laughed off that statement, but beneath its core is a much darker, more sinister view of women."

Ohamaji inherited his oil empire from his father, which he repeatedly drove into the ground but was able to exploit Takmijinstan’s tax code by filing for bankruptcy, passing the buck for his business failures along to the people of his country while he personally racked up billions in net worth not necessarily through smart decision-making, but primarily through a simple matter of compounded interest from his inheritance. He boasts that “all” the women on his staff frequently flirt with him, which he deems to be “expected” and has frequently noted that women wouldn’t be appointed to important roles if they “weren’t beautiful.”

“At times, he’s divided women under his influence according to who is and isn’t – by his standards – ‘attractive,’ and has subjected those he deemed to be less attractive to psychological torture,” said White.

Ohamaji is a fan of Hollywood films and has stated that his favorite quote from Pulp Fiction is "Bitch be cool,” a command he feels should be uttered to any female who gets out of line. Ohamaji is unable to engage on an intellectual level with intelligent women who logically challenge him, and responds to their well-reasoned questions not with well-reasoned answers but, rather, with accusations that they have “the face of a dog” or by saying they’re “fat and ugly.”

“Give a man like this political power, and his schoolyard-type bullying could undo all the progress the women of Takmijinstan have made since the dissolution of the Soviet Republic.  This is perhaps one of the most progressive countries in the region, but he has absolutely no respect for women unless they’re exceedingly attractive and ‘on their knees’ in front of him,” said White. “He doesn’t believe working mothers are valuable members of the workforce, and has termed mothers who breastfeed to be ‘disgusting.’”

But women aren’t the only people who could suffer a blow if Ohamaji successfully rigs next week’s presidential election. Ohamaji, who was previously considered to be agnostic at best, has recently become hyper religious in an effort to appeal to the radical underground – who could further help him fix the upcoming election.

“Various ethnicities and religions have cohabited peacefully in Takmijinstan since it became an independent republic back in 1991,” said White. “Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism and Buddhism had struck an uncanny coexistence that few countries have seen not just in this neck of the woods, but in the world at large. That could change if Ohamaji rises to power, as he has taken a very hard-line stance on the growing Christian population.”

Ohamaji has proposed building a wall around the southernmost part of the country – where the vast majority of Christians reside – in order to keep them out of the nation’s capital. He has also proposed a “national registry” for all religious minorities, and would require Christians and Jewish people to carry a form of ID that identifies their religious affiliation. At one point while campaigning, Ohamaji attempted to reach out to Jewish voters, but wound up littering his speech with offensive stereotypes.

“It’s actually quite terrifying,” said White. “He’s been able to rally the most radical segment of his country around him, and is using fear-mongering and hateful rhetoric to expand his political reach. He's applauded for speaking his mind, despite the fact that his mind is actually quite twisted, and no one is free from his bullying. Not Takmijinstan's disabled, not their military... no one. He regularly misrepresents opinion as fact, and his supporters seldom question his rationale. It’s the sort of blind hero worship we see in cults. And much like the leaders of most cults, I honestly think he’s mentally ill.”

“And yet,” White continued, “There’s a very good chance he’ll soon be President.”

Ohamaji is also no darling when it comes to international diplomacy.

“He has managed to rally radical support by repeatedly lauding his country as the best in the world, while simultaneously refusing to engage with anyone with a differing opinion. Some of the things he’s said about other world leaders are the political equivalent of poking the bear,” said White.

"My biggest fear, honestly? He gets fired up quite easily," White continued. “This isn't a man you want in charge of a nuclear arsenal.”

Upcoming presidential election threatens Takmijinstani stability

TAKMIJINSTAN–Shafir Ohamaji, billionaire oil magnate of the little-known (and truly quite little) former Soviet Republic of Takmijinstan, is making headlines today as rumors circulated that he has bribed countless poll officials just days before their presidential election.

"If Shafir Ohamaji overthrows Takmijinstan's democratically elected president, this quiet, peaceful country will devolve into chaos, which could further disrupt an already volatile region of the world," said Howard White, World Politics professor at Northwestern-East University. "This isn't a sane man. He's a veritable time bomb, and we have no idea what could set him off.”

Much like his home country, Ohamaji hasn't previously made international headlines, but his stances on women's rights and other hot-button issues have frequently upset the reasonable majority of his progressive homeland.

"He once admitted that he finds his daughter to be so hot, that he'd date her if they weren't related," said White. "People originally laughed off that statement, but beneath its core is a much darker, more sinister view of women."

Ohamaji inherited his oil empire from his father, which he repeatedly drove into the ground but was able to exploit Takmijinstan’s tax code by filing for bankruptcy, passing the buck for his business failures along to the people of his country while he personally racked up billions in net worth not necessarily through smart decision-making, but primarily through a simple matter of compounded interest from his inheritance. He boasts that “all” the women on his staff frequently flirt with him, which he deems to be “expected” and has frequently noted that women wouldn’t be appointed to important roles if they “weren’t beautiful.”

“At times, he’s divided women under his influence according to who is and isn’t – by his standards – ‘attractive,’ and has subjected those he deemed to be less attractive to psychological torture,” said White.

Ohamaji is a fan of Hollywood films and has stated that his favorite quote from Pulp Fiction is "Bitch be cool,” a command he feels should be uttered to any female who gets out of line. Ohamaji is unable to engage on an intellectual level with intelligent women who logically challenge him, and responds to their well-reasoned questions not with well-reasoned answers but, rather, with accusations that they have “the face of a dog” or by saying they’re “fat and ugly.”

“Give a man like this political power, and his schoolyard-type bullying could undo all the progress the women of Takmijinstan have made since the dissolution of the Soviet Republic.  This is perhaps one of the most progressive countries in the region, but he has absolutely no respect for women unless they’re exceedingly attractive and ‘on their knees’ in front of him,” said White. “He doesn’t believe working mothers are valuable members of the workforce, and has termed mothers who breastfeed to be ‘disgusting.’”

But women aren’t the only people who could suffer a blow if Ohamaji successfully rigs next week’s presidential election. Ohamaji, who was previously considered to be agnostic at best, has recently become hyper religious in an effort to appeal to the radical underground – who could further help him fix the upcoming election.

“Various ethnicities and religions have cohabited peacefully in Takmijinstan since it became an independent republic back in 1991,” said White. “Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism and Buddhism had struck an uncanny coexistence that few countries have seen not just in this neck of the woods, but in the world at large. That could change if Ohamaji rises to power, as he has taken a very hard-line stance on the growing Christian population.”

Ohamaji has proposed building a wall around the southernmost part of the country – where the vast majority of Christians reside – in order to keep them out of the nation’s capital. He has also proposed a “national registry” for all religious minorities, and would require Christians and Jewish people to carry a form of ID that identifies their religious affiliation. At one point while campaigning, Ohamaji attempted to reach out to Jewish voters, but wound up littering his speech with offensive stereotypes.

“It’s actually quite terrifying,” said White. “He’s been able to rally the most radical segment of his country around him, and is using fear-mongering and hateful rhetoric to expand his political reach. He's applauded for speaking his mind, despite the fact that his mind is actually quite twisted, and no one is free from his bullying. Not Takmijinstan's disabled, not their military... no one. He regularly misrepresents opinion as fact, and his supporters seldom question his rationale. It’s the sort of blind hero worship we see in cults. And much like the leaders of most cults, I honestly think he’s mentally ill.”

“And yet,” White continued, “There’s a very good chance he’ll soon be President.”

Ohamaji is also no darling when it comes to international diplomacy.

“He has managed to rally radical support by repeatedly lauding his country as the best in the world, while simultaneously refusing to engage with anyone with a differing opinion. Some of the things he’s said about other world leaders are the political equivalent of poking the bear,” said White.

"My biggest fear, honestly? He gets fired up quite easily," White continued. “This isn't a man you want in charge of a nuclear arsenal.”

Genius Second Grader Finishes Times Tables Seconds Before Classmates

DES PLAINES, ILL–Second grader Nate McIntosh stunned his classmates earlier this week when he finished his times tables a good eight, maybe nine, seconds faster than anyone else in class.

“It was really cool," reported classmate Jenny Love.

Bystanders noted that after finishing his worksheet, McIntosh coolly walked to the front of the room and placed his paper on Miss Baldwin’s desk before returning to his seat, a look of boredom upon his face.

“I didn’t know what to do with all of my spare time,” McIntosh told his peers during recess. “I was so bored waiting for everyone else to finish.” 

McIntosh, who previously only had one or two friends in class, has seen his status quickly upgraded.

“We might only be in second grade,” said McIntosh, “but right now I’m flying in first class.”

McIntosh’s presence has been highly sought after at both recess and lunch alike, where different cliques fight over who gets to hang out with him. “Generally, I just alternate between groups,” said McIntosh. “That way everybody gets some time with the Math Master.”

“I never realized he was so smart,” said a googly-eyed Maria Hernandez while hanging upside down from the monkey bars. “He’s so-so-so cute! Do you think he’d sit with me at lunch?”

Classmate Cassandra Dix, who was previously considered to be the best math student in Miss Baldwin’s class, is far from smitten.

“Nate McIntosh thinks he is so smart,” said Dix, refusing to look up from her workbook as she frantically studied multiples of four. “But I’ll show him next week.”

The children’s homeroom and math teacher, Olivia Baldwin, is far less impressed.

“Are the kids still going on about that? Really?” asked Baldwin. “Nate may have turned in his worksheet before anyone else, but he forgot to do the backside. He actually got a failing grade.”

No word yet as to how McIntosh will handle the news.

This is a developing story.

Top 10 Ways To Stop Gun Violence

1. Arm children and developmentally disabled adults so they can defend themselves when a-holes violate what should be a safe haven.
2. More blockbuster films that glorify consequence-free violence.
3. Teach gang members how to properly shoot guns, so kids and other innocent victims stop getting caught in the crossfire.
4. Blame gun laws before all the facts are in.
5. Blame Muslims before all the facts are in.
6. Pray for peace and let divine intervention do the rest.
7. Go on social media immediately after a shooting occurs, and talk about how awful it is. Break your tweet up into multiple posts to underscore how much you care.
8. Keep electing politicians who publicly denounce acts of violence, but then do nothing to stop it.
9. Keep Syrian refugees out of our country. You never know when one might be a disgruntled white person in disguise.
10. Be outraged for 2-3 days and demand change; refuse to listen to opinions other than your own; and shift your focus to the Kardashians and Starbucks cups soon thereafter.