Old Navy, New Rage

Whoever designed the clasp on this Old Navy dress did NOT have people with hair in mind. Which is odd when you consider the majority of potential buyers fit that very description.

In fact, I lost a few chunks of hair throughout the day before getting it stuck so badly, I couldn’t move my neck. I was walking to my car at the time and had my keys in my hand when I tried freeing my hair from the clasp’s iron grasp.

So naturally my keychain ALSO got stuck, which means I’m in a public space with my keys stuck in my hair AND my hair so stuck in the clasp that I can’t straighten my neck. Mind you, this is a Toy Story keychain, so I’m walking around with Forky AND my keys in my hair.

(I kept my hand on the keys and just pretended I actually wanted them there BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE STARING.)

So I unlock my door by clicking the remote entry button ON MY HEAD, get in, sit down and somehow manage to free the keychain. But my hair is still caught in the clasp. 

I’m contorting as much as I can despite the pain and finally work it loose. I drive home, talk to neighbors, walk inside and put on a sweater (it’s 85F) to cover the clasp and prevent another incident.

I soon discover WITH HORROR that my contorting caused the zipper to be knocked off track, which led to the two sides separating. This, as you have likely sorted out, resulted in A GIANT GAPING HOLE along my backside.

(I’m not sure when it first appeared, but I suspect it was there in time for a few dozen people to see.) 

Next I’m trying to remove the dress, but I can’t because the zipper is stuck at the top. I do what I can for a few minutes before finally confronting the inevitable: I was going to have to go full-on HULK.

There’s no video evidence to prove it, but I’m pretty sure I roared as I reached behind my back, grabbed the top of my dress on both sides AND RIPPED IT IN TWO.

(If you’re wondering what material this dress is made out of, you’ll just have to trust me when I say it’s as close as you can get to carbon steel while still having pliability.)

So now my dress is in the trash along with my ego. All a long way of asking: anyone out there have some Super Cash burning a hole in their pocket? I know a girl who could use it, and she cannot afford the luxury of a lesson learned.

Crayola Unveils NEW Partially Peeled, Pre-Broken Crayons for Preschoolers

Every pack of Crayola L’il Nubz™ comes with a mixture of round and triangular crayons (because we all know they’re going to get mixed together anyway).

The newest product from Crayola has preschool moms and dads rethinking their back-to-school shopping. Called L’il Nubz™, these partially peeled, pre-broken crayons are being lauded as a game changer by parents and teachers alike.

“My 3-year-old used to spend HOURS peeling her crayons whenever we’d sit down to color,” noted mommy blogger Dakota McKenzie. “By the time she was done peeling the paper to her exact specifications, it was time to put the coloring book away. Now that I think of it, she was hardly coloring at all.”

McKenzie had been granted a sneak peek of this timesaving invention, thanks in large part to the success of her blog, “Mommy & MEgan.” Although she was skeptical when she first received a box of L’il Nubz™,  she changed her tune soon after handing the box over to her daughter.

Using an old school box of crayons, McKenzie’s daughter spent 14 hours, over the course of five days, on this page in her coloring book. Most of that time was spent peeling and breaking existing crayons.

“She went from no-casso to Picasso the moment that box hit her hands. Sure, she was a little confused when she first dumped them out and realized there was very little paper left to peel, but that just meant she was able to spend more time actually drawing and coloring.”

In addition to having the paper partially removed from some crayons and completely removed from others, many crayons are also pre-broken.

“I used to get so anxious whenever my son would crush Crayons in his tiny but surprisingly powerful raccoon hands. But with L’il Nubz™, the experience has been comparatively stress-free,” said social media influencer and stay-at-home dad Bo Sabe. “It was also a relief to see the box comes pre-distressed, with dented corners and a broken flap you can barely insert back into the box. That’s one less worry when I hand a new box over to my little bud.”

Daycare workers are also rejoicing, with facilities across the country recommending L’il Nubz™ to their parents.

“L’il Nubz™ aren’t just for preschoolers. We’re recommending them to all of our toddler parents,” said Annie West,­ director of Tots & Bots, a STEM-based daycare­. “We all know that toddlers, and even some older kids, eat their crayons. With L’il Nubz™, there’s one less non-food item making its way into their little digestive systems.”

A representative for Crayola indicated they had a team of researchers working on this project for years before developing L’il Nubz™.

“Our original design kept the crayons in tact, but encased in a virtually indestructible carbon steel shell,” said scientist Alexa Adams. “But we found in testing that we had grossly underestimated a preschooler’s determination to rip off the paper and break the crayon. So instead of preserving the crayon’s integrity, it was still destroyed, and more valuable creative time had been expended on freeing the crayon from its case.”

“Not to mention,” Adams continued, “Parents weren’t keen on spending $799.99 on a single box of crayons.”

A 24-ish pack of L’il Nubz™ retails for $24.99. Most packs come with 2-3 crayons already missing, so you don’t have to worry about looking for them under your entertainment center or between your sofa cushions.

“Her use of color since L’il Nubz is nothing short of inspirational,” said McKenzie of her daughter’s newest creation.

Universal Thread Clothing Line "Drops" at Target

She's only with him for his pockets

I'm going to be perfectly honest here: I hate shopping for clothes. I know, I know. What kind of woman am I? One who doesn't cave to archaic gender stereotypes, I suppose. That said, I do have a soft spot for Target designs. And since I seldom venture to real clothing stores, picking up a pair of jeans while stocking up on cat litter is pretty much a match made in retail heaven.

So when my one pair of Denizen jeans had been pushed to the limit (which is to say: literally cracking at the seams), I added "jeans" to my shopping list and headed to Target, where I found their newest exclusive clothing line: Universal Thread.

"Wonderful!" I thought. "Two dollars cheaper than Denizen, but the material feels like it will have more than a three-month lifespan!"

So I tried on a few varieties before settling on mid-rise skinny (for the record: I normally despise skinny jeans and really wanted boot cut but, alas, their only boot cut offering came with rips and tears that would draw unwanted attention to – rather than hide – the fact that I live on a strict budget). I was otherwise fine with my decision until I removed the tags, washed the jeans, tucked in my cell phone, and then...

Dropped. My. Phone.

I'm not even kidding. The phone is stuffed into the pocket as far as it can go.

You might think "Oh, it's more than half in. My phone will be safe here." But you would be wrong. The simple act of sitting will force the phone out of your pocket. Ditto with a brisk walk.

Yes, that's right, smartphone users. These jeans absolutely cannot accommodate a standard-size phone (and certainly not anything of the “plus” variety). In the vertical position, not even half of the phone tucks into the pocket. In a horizontal position, about 1/4 pops out. So you put your phone in the horizontal position, nervously hoping the phone gods will bless your device and keep it safe from harm. 

But. There. Are. No. Phone. Gods.

In the past two weeks, I have dropped my phone near (but not "in," thank you fictional phone gods!) the toilet on two occasions. On hard cement: four times. On walks when I almost didn't hear the "thud!" as it landed on a softer surface: three times.

In short: it's a miracle I still have a working phone.

But it's not just "large" items like small phones that pop out. I've lost tissues, cough drops and keys. The pockets on these babies have been an absolute nightmare. And so I say to Target and Universal Thread:

1. Pocket form should follow pocket function. If they aren't usable, they're useless.
2. Women need pockets, too. A lack of functional pockets on women's clothing is an age-old problem, AND IT HAS TO STOP. (This is pretty much the same point as #1, but it bears repeating).

This pocket issue has been discussed ad nauseam, but instead of listening, the fashion industry just keeps giving us "slimming" designs (that's how Target describes the Universal Thread pockets) that serve zero functional purpose.

To be fair, I've since checked out the pockets on their hole-y boot cut model, and I'm happy to report they seem to be somewhat more realistic – though still not quite up to snuff.

Horrible pockets aside, there are some pros to this brand: the material is soft and flexible, and they are – as I mentioned before – slightly cheaper than Denizen despite being better made.

That said: I still deeply regret the purchase. Unless Target volunteers to replace my phone in the (inevitable) event that it is lost or shattered, these jeans are a ticking time bomb and must be destroyed. Sure, they only cost $25 up front, but I’m thinking $825 big picture.

I don’t know about you but I, for one, refuse to pay $825 for jeans. And I will never, ever again purchase pants without doing a quick “phone fit” test.

I suggest you do the same.

PS: It took incredible restraint for me to not include a “Universal Dread” joke in here somewhere. Oh, look! There it is now.  

---

IN SUM: universal thread jeans

A REVIEW HAIKU
“What’s that sound?” you ask.
Just my phone hitting the ground.
Better pockets, please.

PRO/CON OVERVIEW
Pros: Affordable, durable and decent flex to the fabric
Cons: The front pockets are useless

TO BUY OR NOT TO BUY
Don't buy without trying them on -- and testing the pockets. Walk around and sit down to see if your goods stay where they belong.

Top 10 Ways To Keep The Romance Alive This Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is almost here. If you're struggling to find a way to show that special someone just how much you care, remember: sometimes the best gift doesn't come wrapped in a bow. Follow these tips to really make them swoon.

1. Four words: two toilets, one bathroom.
2. Have a baby! Nothing else brings two people closer together before it pushes them really, really far apart.
3. Show them how responsible you are by keeping a box of Plan B in your medicine cabinet.
4. Lots and lots of perfume; if the pheromones don't get them to notice you, the allergen-induced asthma attack surely will.
5. Forget those cliché greeting cards – make your boo a coupon book promising a nice massage or even an evening without dishes. Don’t have the time or the construction paper? Pick up some coupons from Walgreens, cut them out, and staple them together. They’ll appreciate the romantic gift, and you’ll appreciate the savings.
6. Never forget the ABCs of being a good little wifey: Always Be Cooking.
7. Turn alone time into cell phone time; there's nothing s/he has to say that can't wait until after you've finished that game of Candy Crush.
8. Variety is the spice of life, so always keep your genitals well-seasoned with paprika and oregano. 
9. Never underestimate the power of those three little words: it's not contagious.
10. Everyone gets roses – gross! Instead of doing the same ol’ flower year after year, abide by this popular adage: men are from mars, and women love a Venus fly trap. Nothing says “I love you” quite like a carnivorous plant, and your home will finally be pest free!

Pregnant Woman Pees For The 11th Gosh-Darn Time In Just Four Hours

CHICAGO—Expectant mother Thea Williams peed a record-breaking 11 times between 7-10 a.m. this past Saturday, a feat she had previously never dreamed possible.

“Sure, I have a small bladder and drink a ton of water,” said Thea. “But never in my wildest dreams did I think I could urinate 11 times in just four short hours.”

“It was pretty impressive,” added her husband, Edward. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so proud of her.”

Thea credits her success to a combination of pregnancy hormones, the weight of a 22-week fetus pushing on her bladder, and the moderate – and medically sanctioned – weekend consumption of coffee.

“But I’d be really remiss in my role as an expectant mother if I didn’t thank God for this accomplishment,” said Thea. “Through Him, all things are possible.”