Netflix to Charge Users $1 for Failing to Rewind Videos

Be Kind and Rewind – or Pay Up

Be Kind and Rewind – or Pay Up

LOS GATOS, Calif. – Netflix announced on Monday that they will soon begin charging users a $1 fee if they fail to rewind a video after watching it. This fee applies not just to streaming services, but DVD and Blu-Ray rentals as well.

“Our call centers have been overrun with complaints from customers who’ve attempted to view movies from the beginning, only to find videos starting midway through,” said public relations manager Stephanie Meriwether. “We didn’t think this was possible, but we had our movie scientists look into it, and they confirmed the problem is caused by users failing to rewind videos, thereby leaving the movie at some random point when the next user goes to watch it.”

“We had to hire a team dedicated specifically to rewinding DVDs and streaming videos,” Meriwether continued. “This $1 penalty will help recoup that cost without further raising monthly fees for our more responsible customers.”

Netflix is already rolling out a $1 increase in monthly fees for its most popular plan, and insists the two increases aren’t related.

When asked about this penalty, many Netflix customers were baffled.

“Is this an April Fool’s joke?” asked one user. “Or some lame attempt at humor that you’ll find on some unknown chick’s quote unquote ‘satire’ blog?”

Another was determined to step up her BE KIND, REWIND game.

“I remember my mom telling me once about machines that did nothing but rewind videos,” said Dakota Masters, 20. “I guess I’ll look into getting one of those, because I really don’t want to wear out the rewind button on my remote.”

Father-To-Be Catalogs Descent Into Dad Bod

Sure, expectant dads often experience sympathy pains when their significant other has a little one on the way, but did you know dads also tend to pack on the pounds during those 40 precious weeks?

Dad-to-be Oliver Digglesworth has been cataloging his weight gain, and he's ready to share his new physique with the world.

"It's unfortunate how much dad shaming goes on today," said Oliver. "It's completely normal to pack on a few pounds when you're expecting, and I'm not afraid to show it. I mean, what better day than February 14? So many people owe their existence to this Hallmark occasion."

When asked if he expects his weight to bounce back after the birth of his child, Oliver was skeptical.

"If nothing else," he said, "This is just the beginning."

Top 10 Ways To Keep The Romance Alive This Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is almost here. If you're struggling to find a way to show that special someone just how much you care, remember: sometimes the best gift doesn't come wrapped in a bow. Follow these tips to really make them swoon.

  1. Four words: two toilets, one bathroom.
  2. Have a baby! Nothing else brings two people closer together before it pushes them really, really far apart.
  3. Show them how responsible you are by keeping a box of Plan B in your medicine cabinet.
  4. Lots and lots of perfume; if the pheromones don't get them to notice you, the allergen-induced asthma attack surely will.
  5. Forget those cliché greeting cards – make your boo a coupon book promising a nice massage or even an evening without dishes. Don’t have the time or the construction paper? Pick up some coupons from Walgreens, cut them out, and staple them together. They’ll appreciate the romantic gift, and you’ll appreciate the savings.
  6. Never forget the ABCs of being a good little wifey: Always Be Cooking.
  7. Turn alone time into cell phone time; there's nothing s/he has to say that can't wait until after you've finished that game of Candy Crush.
  8. Variety is the spice of life, so always keep your genitals well-seasoned with paprika and oregano. 
  9. Never underestimate the power of those three little words: it's not contagious.
  10. Everyone gets roses – gross! Instead of doing the same ol’ flower year after year, abide by this popular adage: men are from mars, and women love a Venus fly trap. Nothing says “I love you” quite like a carnivorous plant, and your home will finally be pest free!

10 Life Hacks To Save The Planet – And Your Budget

Whether you admire them up close or from afar, leaving 100% natural love notes in unexpected places will let your s.o. know how much you care about them – and the planet.

Whether you admire them up close or from afar, leaving 100% natural love notes in unexpected places will let your s.o. know how much you care about them – and the planet.

  1. Why pay for a skywriter and waste precious fossil fuels, when everything you need to surprise your boo is in your laundry room? Save lint from your dryer and use it to spell out meaningful messages for your significant other. Don't have a bae? Spend your lonely nights knitting that lint into a sweater. Goodness knows you'll need something to keep you warm on those cold winter nights.

  2. When it comes to bathroom savings, you've heard the expression "if it's yellow, stay mellow; if it's brown, send it down"? What a wasteful maxim! Try this one instead: “one flush a week yields the savings you seek!"

  3. It actually takes more energy to turn your television off and on twice, than it does to keep it on all day long. So go ahead – Netflix and chill your life away.

  4. Is your refrigerator running? If it is, you better go catch it – and then unplug it. These massive appliances are huge energy wasters. Unplug it today, and save tomorrow. 

  5. Think those small animals powering electronics on The Flintstones are the stuff of Hanna-Barbera science fiction? Think again! With the help of God’s creatures, lighting up your home is as simple at 1, 2, 3! 

    1. Head to your nearest pet store, purchase thousands of hamsters, cages, cedar chips, water bottles, food and hamster wheels.

    2. Stop by the hardware store on your way home, and stock up on tiny helmets and electrodes.

    3. Watch episodes of Beakman's World for helpful "how-to" tutorials.

    4. Set up your home system, and let science do the rest! 

  6. Don't throw out expired foods! Donate them to your local shelter, and write off the expense. Everybody wins! 

  7. Stop spitting money – and precious resources – down the drain. The next time you brush your teeth, save your spittle in a bottle. You'll save a "mint" when you use it as a minty-fresh mouthwash later. 

  8. Turn your love of online shopping into a discounted trip overseas – no passport required! Simply save your Amazon boxes over the course of a year, and then tape them altogether to form one giant box. Poke a few air holes, step inside, and ask a friend to add a stamp and drop you off at your nearest post office. You'll be in Costa Rica in 2-14 weeks for just the cost of a single Forever stamp!

  9. If your pantry is overloaded with an excess of grocery bags, and you're stressing about how to afford that carrier for your new baby, fret no more. Any bag with handles makes a great carrying case for kids six and under! Paper or plastic? You be the judge! 

  10. Stop throwing your cat litter out with the rest of the garbage. If you live in a climate that has a cold season, save your used litter throughout the year – and use it on icy surfaces in the winter. Not only will it add some much needed traction, but the clumps will help cushion you in the event of a fall. 

  11. Whether you have a child in diapers or know someone who does, don't let those old newspapers go to waste. Bird owners use them to line their cages for a reason. This super absorbent material might be a little rough on baby's bottom, but it'll be gentle on your budget.

Star Wars Episode VI: A Summary

Yeah! This is the last time we'll use this photo. The last time today, anyway.

Yeah! This is the last time we'll use this photo. The last time today, anyway.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode VI: Return of the Jetta. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other films here:

Episode VI:  The Return of the Jetta

Everyone heads to Tattoo Ink in an attempt to rescue Indiana Jones, who is being held prisoner by a giant slug named Pizza the Hut. Leah and Lucas are dummies and both get captured, with Lucas and Indiana Jones being sentenced to death by way of Carl’s Sack, which is just as scary as it sounds.

Lucas battles his way out Carl’s Sack and Indiana Jones knocks Bubba Feta into Carl’s Sack. Everyone is happy and free (except for Bubba Feta, who is dead) and most return to the Rebel Wilson Fan Club headquarters. Lucas, however, returns to Daggonit to resume his training. But guess what? Yoga is dying! Before he kicks it, Yoga confirms that Dark Vader is Lucas’ pop-pop – and that there is another Skywalker. Opie-Wand’s ghost confirms Leah is the other Skywalker, and Lucas throws up repeatedly when he realizes he’s had the Hoths for his twin sister.*

The Rebel Wilson Fan Club realizes the emperor is building a new Death Star and travels to And/Or in an attempt to destroy it. There, they meet a group of adorable, little Mogwai who must NOT get wet after midnight. But they do get wet, and angry, and a conflict ensues. They soon dry off and become allies. Lucas informs Leah that he’s her brother from the same mother, and they were both spawned by Dark Vader.

Lucas surrenders himself to Vader and attempts to get his pop-pop to give up the darkness. Vader instead tries to convince Lucas to become a Cyst Lord, but Lucas said “that’s just grodie.” Meanwhile on And/Or, Indiana Jones is about to be captured by the Imperial Feet, but gets rescued by the Mogwai! The Rebel Wilson Fan Club is able to turn off the Death Star’s shield, which means it can be destroyed (déjà vu!).

Vader takes Lucas to Emperor Ovaltine aka Dark Sid Vicious. When Lucas refuses to become a Cyst, Dark Vader finally realizes Leah is Lucas’ sister (aka his daughter) and threatens to turn her to the darth side. Lucas becomes enraged and cuts off Vader’s fake right hand (so many right hands are lost in this series!). Sid Vicious tries to convince Lucas to kill his pop-pop and take his place, and when Lucas refuses, Sid Vicious attacks him with some serious lightning.

Dark Vader finally mans up and fights to save his kid. He kills Sid Vicious but is mortally wounded in the process. Lucas removes his helmet and cradles his father’s severely disfigured head as he dies in his robotic arm. The Rebel Wilson Fan Club soon defeats the Imperial Feet and destroys the Death Star. Leah reveals to Indiana Jones that Lucas is her brother, so he can cool his jets and kiss her already.

Lucas cremates his pop-pop on And/Or, and then sees the spirits of Yoda, Opie-Wand and the redeemed Annie Kin released from Voldemort’s wand. They are watching over the Rebel Wilson Fan Club, which makes Lucas smile.

*OK, so he doesn’t actually do this. But he should have! That plot twist is just gross.