GOP terrified they might actually have to nominate Donald Trump

Donald Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C.–GOP chairman Reince Priebus was overheard stating at a recent fundraiser for his favorite charity, the National Rifle Association, that he has grave concerns regarding the immediate future of the Republican Party.

"At first I thought [Donald] Trump's candidacy was a big joke that we could laugh about in a week or two," Priebus told an associate at his table. "But it’s been nearly four months since he officially threw his hat into the ring, and he’s been leading the race ever since. I honestly had no idea the American population would take him seriously, and I’m terrified that we might be forced to nominate him in the Republican primary."

Priebus said he’s not sure Trump is really a Republican: “I mean, he has the lack of empathy that so many of us share, but he really takes it to an extreme. It’s like he’s created an entirely new party, powered by right-wing sensibilities, but punctuated with a complete and utter lack of decorum.”

“Don’t get me wrong,” Priebus continued. “I dislike Mexicans as much as the next guy—with the exception of that backstabber Jeb, of course—but even I think Trump’s views are pretty extreme.”

Priebus noted that even if he agreed with Trump’s views, the way Trump plans to fund his platform is “riddled with holes.” Priebus cited Trump’s desire to build an impenetrable wall spanning the entirety of the U.S./Mexico border as an example. When initially asked how he planned to fund the wall, Trump essentially said, “Don’t worry about it.”

But when pressed to give a clear response, Trump said the Mexican government would foot the bill because he’d charge them $100,000 for every immigrant that comes to the United States.

“But how’s he going to charge the Mexican government for people who come here, when he’s sending everyone back?” Priebus asked. “There’s so much illogic to his platform, just thinking about giving him the Republican nomination has been causing night terrors."

“I’m not even kidding,” he continued. “I had to start taking Ambien.”

Priebus added that he has "serious concerns" regarding the American constituency currently supporting Trump.

"They're just nuts," said Priebus. “I mean, I never wanted another Bush to sit in the White House, but I have to admit Jeb is far less likely to set off a series of events that could lead to a nuclear holocaust. Have you heard the way Trump talks about other world leaders? That’s not diplomacy, that’s insanity.”

Trump continues to lead the polls among Republican voters with 21% of the vote. Although that might not seem like a clear majority, it’s actually the largest chunk of the pie, considering the remaining 79% is split between the other 1,027 Republican candidates. Of those currently backing Trump, a select few often begin conversations with “I’m not racist, but…” and the rest are actually more interested in theatrics than politics.

“Oh, I hope he wins,” says registered voter Neil Smith. “The guy is an abrasive megalomaniac without a control switch, but I think it’d be hilarious to see how he handles being the most powerful person on the planet.”

Smith added that a Trump presidency would “make a great reality TV show” and he “really hopes someone out there makes that happen.”

Baby intentionally ruins Chicago man's flight

DENVER, Co–Chicagoan Lance Hardwick was heading home from Denver today when an unruly passenger ruined his otherwise textbook flight.

Man unable to enjoy eye-level sunset due to Machiavellian infant

"I travel a lot for work, but I've never experienced anything like this," said Hardwick. "I mean, sure, I've encountered turbulence, one emergency landing and a drunken Charlie Sheen, but those are all to be expected. Never in a million years did I think I'd have to deal with someone who intentionally ruined my flight."

Hardwick knew the passenger was trouble right from the start.

"I was standing in line in Group 3, and I turn to Group 4 only to see this kid scowling at me. She makes eye contact with me and starts making all of these weird sounds," said Hardwick. "It was really annoying."

Hardwick took comfort in knowing that the child was a group behind him and so would be boarding after him and was unlikely to be seated next to him, but he soon got the shock of his life.

"I'd been standing in line a good 30 minutes – way longer than this kid – when the airline announced overhead that 'parents with small children' could board. So they got on WAY before me – which is totally unfair – and the kid had the nerve to smile at me as she boarded," said Hardwick. "Don't get me wrong, it wasn't one of those innocent goo-goo ga-ga smiles. This was a genuine, shit-eating grin."

Hardwick stated that although the child didn't scream a ton during the flight, "She sometimes whined a bit," which he said was "completely inexcusable."

"My company paid good money for this flight," he continued. "I expect the airline employees as well as my fellow passengers to be far more civil."

The passenger in question, four-month-old Madison Matthews, was unavailable for comment.

Passengers hope Hudson News employee has a great flight

DENVER, Co–Hudson News employee Jasmine James is stocking up on good karma near gate B-32 at Denver International Airport.

"On any given day, I'd say at least four dozen passengers say 'You, too' after I end the transaction with 'Thank you, have a great flight.' Most cashiers take this as a sign that no one is really paying attention, but it means something to me."

Crackers

Passenger Matthew Scott was one such customer today. Scott was stocking up on Coca Cola and Goldfish crackers when he inadvertently told James he hoped she had a great flight.

"I was looking at my phone to see if my flight was still on schedule," said Scott. "The clerk said something as she handed me my receipt, and I just assumed she said 'Have a great day,' so I said 'You, too.' It wasn't until I walked away that I realized she'd said, 'Have a great flight.'"

"It was embarrassing," he added. "I walked back to Hudson News to clarify, but the clerk seemed really upset. She said she was sorry to hear I was taking back my well wishes, but so long as I was there, she was going to take back hers as well. It was really weird."

James estimated that passengers have told her they hope she has a great flight no fewer than 60,000 times over the course of her three years as a cashier at various airport retail establishments. She's hopeful that all of those well wishes will eventually pay off.

"I've never flown anywhere, but I'd like to visit my family in Indianapolis one day," said James. "If all goes as expected, my flight will leave early, there won't be a single child on the plane and I'll get bumped up to first class due to a booking error. It's going to be amazing – and it's all thanks to the cumulative well-wishes I've received these past few years."

Chicago man remembers important dates based on which improv team he was on at the time

Improv

CHICAGO, Ill.—Men have a reputation for forgetting important dates, but Chicago actor Eric Richards has a special way of remembering things.

“I haven’t forgotten a birthday or anniversary since I moved [to Chicago] seven years ago,” said Eric. “Even though my girlfriend and I have been together for almost five years now, I still remember we met on a Tuesday. I know because my improv team at the time, A Reptile Dysfunction, had a rehearsal that night, and we always practiced on Tuesdays.”

“It’s actually pretty creepy,” said his girlfriend, Julia Masterson. “I was trying to remember how old my friend’s son is, and Eric not only remembered his age, but his exact date of birth.”

“It’s really pretty simple,” said Eric. “We drove down to Indianapolis to meet the little guy after my improv team at the time, Hamsterdam, had a show. That team only existed from January to March of 2011, and we only opened for Jump, Jive, and Whale one time. And that time was February 12 of 2011. So I know that’s when Quincy was born.”

Eric has been on 23 different improv teams at four different theaters in the Chicago area – and he remembers the lifespan of each and every one.

“He’s a little like Rain Man in that regard,” said Julia. “Which is great for me, because I never have to remind him when our anniversary rolls around, or when Wapner is on.”

But there’s a much darker side to Eric’s talent. His special ability appears to have taken over the portion of the brain responsible for even the most basic mathematical calculations, a shortcoming that became apparent when the couple attempted to modify a cookie recipe.

“It was pretty bad,” said Eric. “I was trying my hardest to figure out how much Truvia we should use to substitute sugar, but I was really late for a show with my improv team at the time.”

Eric eventually concluded that sugar substitutes, and not Lee Harvey Oswald, assassinated JFK, before he ran out the door to meet up with his team.

“We tried that recipe in April of 2014. I remember because my improv team at the time was Lord of the Onion Rings, and that's when we were at our peak," said Eric. "We had a really great show that night."

Evanston man terrified new DMK menu won’t include sweet potato fries

EVANSTON, Ill.—When his favorite local eatery shuttered its doors this past June, Evanstonian Carson Santer was forced to question his very existence.

“Everything seemed so perfect,” said Carson. “One day, my wife and I are talking about how we’ll never leave Evanston so long as DMK is here. The very next, they closed up shop. And the day after that, we started looking for apartments in L.A.”

Carson and his wife, Helena, had been weekly regulars of DMK Burger & Fish, where they ordered pretty much the same meal every Wednesday.

“My wife stuck with the turkey burger, and I switched up my sandwich every week. But there was one constant in both of our meals: the sweet potato fries,” said Carson. “They were pretty much the best part of our work week.”

Soon after closing, DMK announced that this goodbye wasn’t for good. In fact, they plan to re-open in the fall under a new format.

“That news brought us some relief, and we decided to hold off on moving to L.A.,” said Carson. “But then reality hit.”

“All I said was, ‘What if the menu is different? What if they don’t have sweet potato fries at the new restaurant?’” said Helena. “Carson flipped out. He’s been inconsolable.”

“They just gotta keep them on the menu,” said Carson. “They just gotta.”

Carson has been undergoing counseling these past three months, and has even tried sweet potato fries at other restaurants at his therapist’s suggestion.

“Nothing even comes close,” cried Carson. “Nothing.”

Fall is fast approaching, and though Carson is holding out hope that sweet potato fries will be on the new menu, he remains skeptical.

“What if they keep them on the menu, but they change the recipe? What if they use a new fryer, or different oil? One little change, and the whole universe of deliciousness will crumble around us,” said Carson.

“Sure, he’s a little melodramatic,” said Helena. “But a part of me shares his concerns.”

The couple noted that they’ll wait until the restaurant re-opens, date TBD, before they determine whether or not a move to L.A. is warranted.

When approached for comment, DMK didn't specify exactly when their Evanston location would re-open, though owners Michael Kornick and David Morton did comment that they "hope to meet [Carson and Helena] at our new venue in the fall." 

But this update, despite affirming a fall opening, seemed to upset the Santers duo.

"You asked them whether or not sweet potato fries would be on the menu, right?" asked Carson. "And they didn't address that question directly? What does that even mean? And why did they call it a 'venue' and not a 'location' or 'restaurant'?"

Carson attempted to articulate additional concerns, but was unintelligible through the tears and sputtering.