Donald Trump
WASHINGTON, D.C.–GOP chairman Reince Priebus was overheard stating at a recent fundraiser for his favorite charity, the National Rifle Association, that he has grave concerns regarding the immediate future of the Republican Party.
"At first I thought [Donald] Trump's candidacy was a big joke that we could laugh about in a week or two," Priebus told an associate at his table. "But it’s been nearly four months since he officially threw his hat into the ring, and he’s been leading the race ever since. I honestly had no idea the American population would take him seriously, and I’m terrified that we might be forced to nominate him in the Republican primary."
Priebus said he’s not sure Trump is really a Republican: “I mean, he has the lack of empathy that so many of us share, but he really takes it to an extreme. It’s like he’s created an entirely new party, powered by right-wing sensibilities, but punctuated with a complete and utter lack of decorum.”
“Don’t get me wrong,” Priebus continued. “I dislike Mexicans as much as the next guy—with the exception of that backstabber Jeb, of course—but even I think Trump’s views are pretty extreme.”
Priebus noted that even if he agreed with Trump’s views, the way Trump plans to fund his platform is “riddled with holes.” Priebus cited Trump’s desire to build an impenetrable wall spanning the entirety of the U.S./Mexico border as an example. When initially asked how he planned to fund the wall, Trump essentially said, “Don’t worry about it.”
But when pressed to give a clear response, Trump said the Mexican government would foot the bill because he’d charge them $100,000 for every immigrant that comes to the United States.
“But how’s he going to charge the Mexican government for people who come here, when he’s sending everyone back?” Priebus asked. “There’s so much illogic to his platform, just thinking about giving him the Republican nomination has been causing night terrors."
“I’m not even kidding,” he continued. “I had to start taking Ambien.”
Priebus added that he has "serious concerns" regarding the American constituency currently supporting Trump.
"They're just nuts," said Priebus. “I mean, I never wanted another Bush to sit in the White House, but I have to admit Jeb is far less likely to set off a series of events that could lead to a nuclear holocaust. Have you heard the way Trump talks about other world leaders? That’s not diplomacy, that’s insanity.”
Trump continues to lead the polls among Republican voters with 21% of the vote. Although that might not seem like a clear majority, it’s actually the largest chunk of the pie, considering the remaining 79% is split between the other 1,027 Republican candidates. Of those currently backing Trump, a select few often begin conversations with “I’m not racist, but…” and the rest are actually more interested in theatrics than politics.
“Oh, I hope he wins,” says registered voter Neil Smith. “The guy is an abrasive megalomaniac without a control switch, but I think it’d be hilarious to see how he handles being the most powerful person on the planet.”
Smith added that a Trump presidency would “make a great reality TV show” and he “really hopes someone out there makes that happen.”