Star Wars Episode V: A Summary

At the very least, The Phantom Menace would've been improved by Maude's presence. Am I right?

At the very least, The Phantom Menace would've been improved by Maude's presence. Am I right?

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other films here:

Episode V:  The Empire Strikes Back

The rebellion has been forced to relocate its headquarters to Hot, a planet which isn’t hot at all but, rather, is quite cold. Leah leads the charge with Lucas and Indiana Jones at her side, until Lucas gets captured by a wombat. He uses his lightsaver to escape, sees the ghost of Opie-Wand – who tells him to go to Daggonit and train under Yoga. Indiana Jones rescues Lucas from the cold soon thereafter, and saves him by gutting a recently deceased Tom Tom and placing Lucas’ frozen body inside.

Indiana Jones soon uncovers an Android phone sent by the Imperial Feet, which means the empire has determined their hideout. All heck breaks loose, but Indiana Jones, Leah and C-3-Pee-Oh all escape in the Millennial Falcor, and Dark Vader enlists the help of bounty hunter Bubba Feta (I told you he’d be back!) in his search for Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones and Leah bond in an uncomfortably flirtatious fashion. Bubba eventually captures the crew and turns them over to Dark Vader, who plans on using them to lure Lucas out of hiding.

Meanwhile, Lucas and R-2-Dee-2 crash land exactly where Opie-Wand told Lucas to go: Daggonit. Lucas listens to “Eye of the Tiger” on his Walkman and enjoys running up the steps at the Philadelphia Art Museum (PAM) and is on his way to becoming a great Jetta when he has a premonition about Leah and Indiana being tortured. He leaves Yoga to go save them.

Dark Vader reneges on his agreement with Landboat – a supposed friend of Indiana Jones who actually helped Feta capture them – so Landboat feels bad and decides to try to rescue everyone he helped get captured. He saves everyone but Indiana Jones, who has been frozen in a block of carbon eyes and is being transported by Bubba Feta to Tattoo Ink, where he plans to get a bounty from Pizza the Hut.

Lucas falls for Vader’s trap and they get in a spat. Vader reveals he’s Lucas’ father, cuts off his son's right hand, and tries to get him to join him in a quest to overthrow the emperor (and you think your family is messed up). Lucas falls, gets picked up by Leah, and then joins the rest of the crew – minus the still missing Indiana Jones – aboard Falcor. Lucas gets a robotic hand for Christmas (like father, like son!), while Landboat and Chuy Bacca take off in search of Bubba Feta and Indiana Jones.

Star Wars Episode IV: A Summary

Just two more to go, folks.

Just two more to go, folks.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode IV: A New Hope. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other films here:

Episode IV:  A New Hope

A civil war has erupted, and the rebel alliance has discovered plans for a super sinister weapon the Galactic Empire plans to use against them. Princess Leah hides the blueprints inside one of her droids, but she gets captured by Dark Vader soon thereafter. Vader is a big dummy and, despite all of his powers, doesn’t realize Leah is his daughter.

Leah’s droids escape to Tattoo Ink, where they’re captured by scrap dealers and eventually purchased by Lucas and his step uncle, Owen. Lucas accidentally plays a distress call from Leah, stored inside R-2-Dee-2, that implies she needs the help of Opie-Wand Nairobi. The only Nairobi Lucas knows is Ben Nairobi, an old loner who moved to Tattoo Ink at about the same time Lucas was born. What a coincidence! Lucas bumps into Ben in the desert, Ben reveals himself to be Opie-Wand, and tells Lucas that his dad was a Jetta who was killed by Dark Vader (a partial truth at best).

Lucas realizes that while he’s been out gallivanting in the desert, his aunt and uncle were killed by troops looking for the droids. So he decides to join Opie-Wand and the droids in their quest to save Leah, whom he determines from her hologram message to be “really hot.” They enlist the help of archeologist Indiana Jones and his Wookie sidekick, Chuy Bacca, but Indiana Jones has a serious attitude and really only cares about the money.

Fast forward a little bit, and they eventually rescue Leah – who Lucas and Indiana both agree is totally more “hottie” than “nottie” – who has more brain power than both of them combined. During the rescue, Opie-Wand is killed by Dark Vader, but it’s clear he wanted to be killed because he’ll come back “more powerful than ever.”

Leah’s quick thinking gets them out of a few pickles; they eventually return to the rebel base and are able to examine the blueprints of the Death Star, which has already been used to blow up Leah’s home planet, Alderman. They are able to determine the Death Star’s weakness; Indiana abandons the group with his reward in tow; a bunch of dudes die trying to make it work; and it’s finally down to just Lucas. Dark Vader is pursuing Lucas and Lucas is in big trouble until Indiana Jones shows up in his Millennial Falcor ship and covers Lucas while he fires away at the Death Star’s weakness.

The Death Star blows up.

Star Wars Episode III: A Summary

Yep, this cat again.

Yep, this cat again.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode III: Revenge of the Cyst. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other episodes here:

Episode III:  Revenge of the Cyst

Opie-Wand and Annie Kin lead a mission to rescue Ovaltine, who everyone stupidly still thinks is good, despite an overwhelming creep factor. Annie engages Dookie in a lightsaver battle and kills him at Ovaltine’s suggestion, which is a big no-no amongst the Jettas. Annie Kin returns to his wife, who is pregnant. Annie Kin almost immediately begins to have premonitions of Pat Me dying in childbirth, which underscores his desire to become the master of death.

Ovaltine appoints Annie to the Jetta Council, but the council – still fearing his darkness – refuses to title him Jetta Master. The council is finally getting suspicious of Ovaltine, and asks Annie to spy on him. Bad move, Jettas! Ovaltine uses this time to prey on Annie’s fears; unabashedly admits to being Dark Sid Vicious; and convinces Annie that the Darth side of the force can help him prevent Pat Me’s death. Initially conflicted, Annie tries to do the right thing and alerts the Jetta Council of Ovaltine’s true identity, but he gets really annoyed when he realizes they won’t let him assist with Ovaltine’s arrest.

Samuel L. Jackson subdues Ovaltine/Sid with his lightsaver and is about to kill him, but Annie intervenes and pleads with Samuel L. Jackon to capture, rather than kill, Palatine/Sid, so he can learn how to cheat death and save Pat Me. Samuel L. Jackson thinks that’s a dumb idea, so Annie Kin kills Samuel L. Jackson and pledges his allegiance to Dark Sid Vicious. Sid Vicious dubs Annie Kin “Dark Vader” and himself Emperor of the Galactic Empire, orders Dark Vader to kill all remaining Jettas – including the “younglings” in training – and also uses his political power to order the clone troopers to kill their Jetta commanders (and thus: the “storm troopers” are born).

Yoga and Opie-Wand somehow survive, realize what Annie Kin has done, and attempt to tell Pat Me all about it. She doesn’t believe Opie-Wand at first, but eventually questions Annie/Dark Vader about it. He gets angry with her for questioning him and starts to strangle her before Opie-Wand intervenes. They fight in a land of volcanic lava and ash, Dark Vader loses his three remaining limbs and gets some pretty serious burns. Opie-Wand leaves him to die, but he doesn’t die because Dark Sid Vicious saves him with more robotic limbs and a black plastic suit.

Yoga confronts Ovaltine/Sid Vicious but fails and goes into exile. Opie-Wand takes Pat Me to a hospital, and she gives birth to twins George Lucas and Leah before dying (most definitely a remnant of Annie’s strangle hold – in other words: in an attempt to save Pat Me from the fate he saw in his dreams, he becomes the very thing that kills her). The kids are separated and taken to different planets for their own safety, though there’s otherwise no attempt to hide their true identity (“Lucas” is even given his father’s real last name, Skywalker, and is raised by his dad’s stepbrother). Clearly, the witness protection program is in its nascent stages in this remote galaxy.

This movie includes General Gracious, who is actually more grievous than anything, but it’s an unnecessary side story you don’t need to worry about.  

Star Wars Episode II: A Summary

Did we mention the original Star Wars cast included a feline from the planet Awesome? Bear with us. We don't have a photo budget.

Did we mention the original Star Wars cast included a feline from the planet Awesome? Bear with us. We don't have a photo budget.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode II: Attack of the Clones. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other episodes here:

Episode II: Attack of the Clones

The Banana Republic is under attack from a Separatist movement led by former Jetta Master, Count Dookie. But guess what? Dookie is actually Dark Sid Vicious’ new apprentice, so Sid Vicious aka Ovaltine is actually behind it all. But Ovaltine is still thought to be one of the good guys!

No longer a queen, Armadillo aka Pat Me is now a senator, but when she shows up to vote, someone tries to kill her. What?! Enter Opie-Wand and Annie Kin to the rescue. Annie Kin is all grown up, and he has the braided rat tail to prove it. He and Opie-Wand track Pat Me’s hired assassin back to her original source, the planet Kimono. But only Opie-Wand goes to Kimono; Annie Kin stays behind with Pat Me, where Annie Kin starts to make his move on his childhood crush.

Opie-Wand realizes the Banana Republic has placed an order for an army made of clone soldiers, but don’t get the wrong idea: these clones aren’t modeled after Dolly the Sheep but, rather, they’re replicas of beefcake bounty hunter Django Feta, who sold his DNA in exchange for money, shelter and a son (Bubba). Keep an eye on Bubba! A Jetta Master eventually kills Django, leaving Bubba seriously outraged. Bet you’ll see him later.

But first: Annie Kin starts to have premonitions that his mother, who he hasn’t seen in years, is in trouble. So he and Pat Me return to Tattoo Ink to save her, only to realize she was sold by her original master to someone who freed her and then married her. Kinky! Anyway, it turns out his mom had been captured by the L.A. Raiders. Annie Kin tries to save her and finds her still alive, but just barely. They have a bittersweet reunion, she dies, and then Annie kills all of the L.A. Raiders: the offensive line, the defensive players, the special teams… even the ball boys. He returns to his step family with his mom’s body. Annie Kin is now determined to become the master of death, so he never loses a loved one again (which speaks to the film’s overall moral, that love is the root of all evil).

Meanwhile in Geneva, Opie-Wand realizes Count Dookie is behind the assassination attempts on Pat Me. Still playing a good guy, Ovaltine – now Supreme Chancellor – is granted emergency powers (at the suggestion of the imbecilic Jar Jar) to do whatever he wants. Bad move, Jar Jar!

Annie and Pat Me go to Geneva to try to help Opie-Wand, but all three are captured and sentenced to death. They’re about to die when a bunch of clone troopers, led by Jetta masters Yoga and Samuel L. Jackson, swoop in to rescue them. Samuel L. Jackson kills Django; Dookie injures Opie-Wand and cuts off Annie Kin’s right arm. Enter Yoga, whose minuscule size and green skin are not at all indicators of his power, which is pretty awesome. Dookie flees, returning to Sid Vicious and giving him plans for a super-sinister weapon.

Annie gets a robotic arm, which he uses to embrace his new bride, Pat Me, who he married in secret (like priests, Jettas aren’t supposed to marry).

Star Wars Episode I: A Summary

It's a little known fact that the original Star Wars cast featured Maude LaGata, a sassy cat with a "git 'er done" attitude.

It's a little known fact that the original Star Wars cast featured Maude LaGata, a sassy cat with a "git 'er done" attitude.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other films here:

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Easily the worst in the series, this film was truly a “menace” to my Thursday night. In this episode, Jetta Master Kiwi Jim and his apprentice Opie-Wand Nairobi are sent to negotiate with the Chinese (they call them the “Trade Federation”), who are under the influence of the evil Cyst Lord, Dark Sid Vicious.

Sid Vicious always has a hood over his head, but it’s clear to anyone watching – and yet somehow escapes the attention of everything in the film – that Sid Vicious is actually Senator Ovaltine. As an esteemed member of the Banana Republic, Ovaltine is supposed to be one of the good guys. But guess what? He isn’t. There can only be two Cyst Lords at any moment in time – the master and his apprentice – and his apprentice in this film is Dark Mall, a mean dude with a red face and a double-ended lightsaver.

Meanwhile, Queen Armadillo (aka Pat Me) somehow meets up with Opie-Wand and Kiwi Jim, and they wind up in Tattoo Ink, a desert planet. I can’t remember why they’re there, but in the process of visiting a scrap dealer, they meet a wee little slave boy named Annie Kin who has a major case of the Forces. There’s a sizable age gap between Annie Kin and Armadillo, but guess what? They’re going to make babies together some day, but we’ll get to that later.

Anyway… Kiwi Jim tests Annie Kin’s blood and realizes it’s swimming with chloroformians, the tiny particles that power the Force. His chloroformian levels are off the hook, in fact, so Kiwi Jim decides to take Annie with him and train him as his next Celebrity Apprentice™, though no one else in the Jetta Council, including Jetta Masters Yoga and Samuel L. Jackson, thinks he should. They all fear Annie Kin and see a darkness in him.

Dark Mall eventually kills Kiwi Jim, Opie-Wand cuts Dark Mall in two, and Kiwi Jim has just enough life left in him to ask Opie-Wand to train Annie in the ways of the Force. Also, this is the movie that includes the horrible Jar Jar Binks, whose role in the film serves only to offend Jamaicans and annoy everyone else.