Star Wars Episode VI: A Summary

December 20, 2015

Yeah! This is the last time we'll use this photo. The last time today, anyway.

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode VI: Return of the Jetta. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other films here:

Episode VI: The Return of the Jetta

Everyone heads to Tattoo Ink in an attempt to rescue Indiana Jones, who is being held prisoner by a giant slug named Pizza the Hut. Leah and Lucas are dummies and both get captured, with Lucas and Indiana Jones being sentenced to death by way of Carl’s Sack, which is just as scary as it sounds.

Lucas battles his way out Carl’s Sack and Indiana Jones knocks Bubba Feta into Carl’s Sack. Everyone is happy and free (except for Bubba Feta, who is dead) and most return to the Rebel Wilson Fan Club headquarters. Lucas, however, returns to Daggonit to resume his training. But guess what? Yoga is dying! Before he kicks it, Yoga confirms that Dark Vader is Lucas’ pop-pop – and that there is another Skywalker. Opie-Wand’s ghost confirms Leah is the other Skywalker, and Lucas throws up repeatedly when he realizes he’s had the Hoths for his twin sister.*

The Rebel Wilson Fan Club realizes the emperor is building a new Death Star and travels to And/Or in an attempt to destroy it. There, they meet a group of adorable, little Mogwai who must NOT get wet after midnight. But they do get wet, and angry, and a conflict ensues. They soon dry off and become allies. Lucas informs Leah that he’s her brother from the same mother, and they were both spawned by Dark Vader.

Lucas surrenders himself to Vader and attempts to get his pop-pop to give up the darkness. Vader instead tries to convince Lucas to become a Cyst Lord, but Lucas said “that’s just grodie.” Meanwhile on And/Or, Indiana Jones is about to be captured by the Imperial Feet, but gets rescued by the Mogwai! The Rebel Wilson Fan Club is able to turn off the Death Star’s shield, which means it can be destroyed (déjà vu!).

Vader takes Lucas to Emperor Ovaltine aka Dark Sid Vicious. When Lucas refuses to become a Cyst, Dark Vader finally realizes Leah is Lucas’ sister (aka his daughter) and threatens to turn her to the darth side. Lucas becomes enraged and cuts off Vader’s fake right hand (so many right hands are lost in this series!). Sid Vicious tries to convince Lucas to kill his pop-pop and take his place, and when Lucas refuses, Sid Vicious attacks him with some serious lightning.

Dark Vader finally mans up and fights to save his kid. He kills Sid Vicious but is mortally wounded in the process. Lucas removes his helmet and cradles his father’s severely disfigured head as he dies in his robotic arm. The Rebel Wilson Fan Club soon defeats the Imperial Feet and destroys the Death Star. Leah reveals to Indiana Jones that Lucas is her brother, so he can cool his jets and kiss her already.

Lucas cremates his pop-pop on And/Or, and then sees the spirits of Yoda, Opie-Wand and the redeemed Annie Kin released from Voldemort’s wand. They are watching over the Rebel Wilson Fan Club, which makes Lucas smile.

*OK, so he doesn’t actually do this. But he should have! That plot twist is just gross.

Star Wars Episode IV: A Summary

December 20, 2015

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode IV: A New Hope. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other films here:

Episode IV: A New Hope

A civil war has erupted, and the rebel alliance has discovered plans for a super sinister weapon the Galactic Empire plans to use against them. Princess Leah hides the blueprints inside one of her droids, but she gets captured by Dark Vader soon thereafter. Vader is a big dummy and, despite all of his powers, doesn’t realize Leah is his daughter.

Leah’s droids escape to Tattoo Ink, where they’re captured by scrap dealers and eventually purchased by Lucas and his step uncle, Owen. Lucas accidentally plays a distress call from Leah, stored inside R-2-Dee-2, that implies she needs the help of Opie-Wand Nairobi. The only Nairobi Lucas knows is Ben Nairobi, an old loner who moved to Tattoo Ink at about the same time Lucas was born. What a coincidence! Lucas bumps into Ben in the desert, Ben reveals himself to be Opie-Wand, and tells Lucas that his dad was a Jetta who was killed by Dark Vader (a partial truth at best).

Lucas realizes that while he’s been out gallivanting in the desert, his aunt and uncle were killed by troops looking for the droids. So he decides to join Opie-Wand and the droids in their quest to save Leah, whom he determines from her hologram message to be “really hot.” They enlist the help of archeologist Indiana Jones and his Wookie sidekick, Chuy Bacca, but Indiana Jones has a serious attitude and really only cares about the money.

Fast forward a little bit, and they eventually rescue Leah – who Lucas and Indiana both agree is totally more “hottie” than “nottie” – who has more brain power than both of them combined. During the rescue, Opie-Wand is killed by Dark Vader, but it’s clear he wanted to be killed because he’ll come back “more powerful than ever.”

Leah’s quick thinking gets them out of a few pickles; they eventually return to the rebel base and are able to examine the blueprints of the Death Star, which has already been used to blow up Leah’s home planet, Alderman. They are able to determine the Death Star’s weakness; Indiana abandons the group with his reward in tow; a bunch of dudes die trying to make it work; and it’s finally down to just Lucas. Dark Vader is pursuing Lucas and Lucas is in big trouble until Indiana Jones shows up in his Millennial Falcor ship and covers Lucas while he fires away at the Death Star’s weakness.

The Death Star blows up.

Star Wars Episode III: A Summary

December 20, 2015

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode III: Revenge of the Cyst. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other episodes here:

Episode III: Revenge of the Cyst

Opie-Wand and Annie Kin lead a mission to rescue Ovaltine, who everyone stupidly still thinks is good, despite an overwhelming creep factor. Annie engages Dookie in a lightsaver battle and kills him at Ovaltine’s suggestion, which is a big no-no amongst the Jettas. Annie Kin returns to his wife, who is pregnant. Annie Kin almost immediately begins to have premonitions of Pat Me dying in childbirth, which underscores his desire to become the master of death.

Ovaltine appoints Annie to the Jetta Council, but the council – still fearing his darkness – refuses to title him Jetta Master. The council is finally getting suspicious of Ovaltine, and asks Annie to spy on him. Bad move, Jettas! Ovaltine uses this time to prey on Annie’s fears; unabashedly admits to being Dark Sid Vicious; and convinces Annie that the Darth side of the force can help him prevent Pat Me’s death. Initially conflicted, Annie tries to do the right thing and alerts the Jetta Council of Ovaltine’s true identity, but he gets really annoyed when he realizes they won’t let him assist with Ovaltine’s arrest.

Samuel L. Jackson subdues Ovaltine/Sid with his lightsaver and is about to kill him, but Annie intervenes and pleads with Samuel L. Jackon to capture, rather than kill, Palatine/Sid, so he can learn how to cheat death and save Pat Me. Samuel L. Jackson thinks that’s a dumb idea, so Annie Kin kills Samuel L. Jackson and pledges his allegiance to Dark Sid Vicious. Sid Vicious dubs Annie Kin “Dark Vader” and himself Emperor of the Galactic Empire, orders Dark Vader to kill all remaining Jettas – including the “younglings” in training – and also uses his political power to order the clone troopers to kill their Jetta commanders (and thus: the “storm troopers” are born).

Yoga and Opie-Wand somehow survive, realize what Annie Kin has done, and attempt to tell Pat Me all about it. She doesn’t believe Opie-Wand at first, but eventually questions Annie/Dark Vader about it. He gets angry with her for questioning him and starts to strangle her before Opie-Wand intervenes. They fight in a land of volcanic lava and ash, Dark Vader loses his three remaining limbs and gets some pretty serious burns. Opie-Wand leaves him to die, but he doesn’t die because Dark Sid Vicious saves him with more robotic limbs and a black plastic suit.

Yoga confronts Ovaltine/Sid Vicious but fails and goes into exile. Opie-Wand takes Pat Me to a hospital, and she gives birth to twins George Lucas and Leah before dying (most definitely a remnant of Annie’s strangle hold – in other words: in an attempt to save Pat Me from the fate he saw in his dreams, he becomes the very thing that kills her). The kids are separated and taken to different planets for their own safety, though there’s otherwise no attempt to hide their true identity (“Lucas” is even given his father’s real last name, Skywalker, and is raised by his dad’s stepbrother). Clearly, the witness protection program is in its nascent stages in this remote galaxy.

This movie includes General Gracious, who is actually more grievous than anything, but it’s an unnecessary side story you don’t need to worry about.