Star Wars Episode V: A Summary

At the very least, The Phantom Menace would've been improved by Maude's presence. Am I right?

At the very least, The Phantom Menace would've been improved by Maude's presence. Am I right?

If you’re excited to see Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens but want to rewatch episodes 1-6 first – but just can’t seem to find the time – first of all: congratulations on having a life. What’s that like?

Second, we have exactly what you’re looking for, with six incredibly accurate synopses. There's just enough crucial detail in each summary that we've elected to break them apart into six different posts. This is Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. Remember this film OK or just don't care? You can quickly find synopses of the other films here:

Episode V:  The Empire Strikes Back

The rebellion has been forced to relocate its headquarters to Hot, a planet which isn’t hot at all but, rather, is quite cold. Leah leads the charge with Lucas and Indiana Jones at her side, until Lucas gets captured by a wombat. He uses his lightsaver to escape, sees the ghost of Opie-Wand – who tells him to go to Daggonit and train under Yoga. Indiana Jones rescues Lucas from the cold soon thereafter, and saves him by gutting a recently deceased Tom Tom and placing Lucas’ frozen body inside.

Indiana Jones soon uncovers an Android phone sent by the Imperial Feet, which means the empire has determined their hideout. All heck breaks loose, but Indiana Jones, Leah and C-3-Pee-Oh all escape in the Millennial Falcor, and Dark Vader enlists the help of bounty hunter Bubba Feta (I told you he’d be back!) in his search for Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones and Leah bond in an uncomfortably flirtatious fashion. Bubba eventually captures the crew and turns them over to Dark Vader, who plans on using them to lure Lucas out of hiding.

Meanwhile, Lucas and R-2-Dee-2 crash land exactly where Opie-Wand told Lucas to go: Daggonit. Lucas listens to “Eye of the Tiger” on his Walkman and enjoys running up the steps at the Philadelphia Art Museum (PAM) and is on his way to becoming a great Jetta when he has a premonition about Leah and Indiana being tortured. He leaves Yoga to go save them.

Dark Vader reneges on his agreement with Landboat – a supposed friend of Indiana Jones who actually helped Feta capture them – so Landboat feels bad and decides to try to rescue everyone he helped get captured. He saves everyone but Indiana Jones, who has been frozen in a block of carbon eyes and is being transported by Bubba Feta to Tattoo Ink, where he plans to get a bounty from Pizza the Hut.

Lucas falls for Vader’s trap and they get in a spat. Vader reveals he’s Lucas’ father, cuts off his son's right hand, and tries to get him to join him in a quest to overthrow the emperor (and you think your family is messed up). Lucas falls, gets picked up by Leah, and then joins the rest of the crew – minus the still missing Indiana Jones – aboard Falcor. Lucas gets a robotic hand for Christmas (like father, like son!), while Landboat and Chuy Bacca take off in search of Bubba Feta and Indiana Jones.

“Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation” (Movie Review)

Tom Cruise                             

Tom Cruise                             

“Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation” is an action adventure film starring Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, a young up and coming actor who got his start in Hollywood on the set of ABC’s “Lost.”

I think it’s safe to say he’s found his way in this suspenseful film, where he plays Ethan Hawke, a down-on-his-luck International Monetary Fund (IMF) agent, on the run from the nefarious CIA (the same guys responsible for the cheat codes that accompanied Nintendo’s Iran Contra) while also in pursuit of Hydra, a terrorist organization founded by British Intelligence that went rogue and perpetuated multiple horrific acts around the world.   

Jack Donaghy plays CIA Director Alan Alda, a man set on disbanding the IMF as punishment for the collateral damage it caused during past exploits. Counter to Alda is Hawkeye, head of the IMF and devoted friend of Cruise Mapother IV. Hawkeye puts his superhero abilities aside to surreptitiously assist Mapother in his search for Hydra.

I particularly enjoyed Simon Cowell’s performance as Benji Dunn, resident IMF computer nerd who brought levity to the film while remaining grounded in his role. I’ve heard Cowell was a real jerk on the set of "America’s Most Wanted," so it was nice to see he’s as capable of tickling my funny bone as he is at tickling the ivories.

Rounding out the film is Rebecca Ferguson as Elsa of Arendelle, a quadruple agent whose allegiance is split between Hydra, British Intelligence, something called “The Syndicate,” and even Hawke himself. Her presence in the film helps up the emotional stakes, and I, for one, was happy to finally see a gorgeous female make an appearance in a spy thriller.

As entertaining as the film may be, it was two big shortcomings: the magnanimous Luther, played by Jerry Van Dyke, is underutilized, and the movie itself runs a little long at a whopping 240 minutes, give or take an hour.

Kudos to Cruise Mapother IV for proving the transition from television to film isn’t an “impossible mission.” He might as well set his career on "cruise control," because he has a long path ahead of him.

This film marks the fifth in a series, and I eagerly await the release of the four prequels.