Chicago man remembers important dates based on which improv team he was on at the time

Improv

CHICAGO, Ill.—Men have a reputation for forgetting important dates, but Chicago actor Eric Richards has a special way of remembering things.

“I haven’t forgotten a birthday or anniversary since I moved [to Chicago] seven years ago,” said Eric. “Even though my girlfriend and I have been together for almost five years now, I still remember we met on a Tuesday. I know because my improv team at the time, A Reptile Dysfunction, had a rehearsal that night, and we always practiced on Tuesdays.”

“It’s actually pretty creepy,” said his girlfriend, Julia Masterson. “I was trying to remember how old my friend’s son is, and Eric not only remembered his age, but his exact date of birth.”

“It’s really pretty simple,” said Eric. “We drove down to Indianapolis to meet the little guy after my improv team at the time, Hamsterdam, had a show. That team only existed from January to March of 2011, and we only opened for Jump, Jive, and Whale one time. And that time was February 12 of 2011. So I know that’s when Quincy was born.”

Eric has been on 23 different improv teams at four different theaters in the Chicago area – and he remembers the lifespan of each and every one.

“He’s a little like Rain Man in that regard,” said Julia. “Which is great for me, because I never have to remind him when our anniversary rolls around, or when Wapner is on.”

But there’s a much darker side to Eric’s talent. His special ability appears to have taken over the portion of the brain responsible for even the most basic mathematical calculations, a shortcoming that became apparent when the couple attempted to modify a cookie recipe.

“It was pretty bad,” said Eric. “I was trying my hardest to figure out how much Truvia we should use to substitute sugar, but I was really late for a show with my improv team at the time.”

Eric eventually concluded that sugar substitutes, and not Lee Harvey Oswald, assassinated JFK, before he ran out the door to meet up with his team.

“We tried that recipe in April of 2014. I remember because my improv team at the time was Lord of the Onion Rings, and that's when we were at our peak," said Eric. "We had a really great show that night."

Evanston man terrified new DMK menu won’t include sweet potato fries

EVANSTON, Ill.—When his favorite local eatery shuttered its doors this past June, Evanstonian Carson Santer was forced to question his very existence.

“Everything seemed so perfect,” said Carson. “One day, my wife and I are talking about how we’ll never leave Evanston so long as DMK is here. The very next, they closed up shop. And the day after that, we started looking for apartments in L.A.”

Carson and his wife, Helena, had been weekly regulars of DMK Burger & Fish, where they ordered pretty much the same meal every Wednesday.

“My wife stuck with the turkey burger, and I switched up my sandwich every week. But there was one constant in both of our meals: the sweet potato fries,” said Carson. “They were pretty much the best part of our work week.”

Soon after closing, DMK announced that this goodbye wasn’t for good. In fact, they plan to re-open in the fall under a new format.

“That news brought us some relief, and we decided to hold off on moving to L.A.,” said Carson. “But then reality hit.”

“All I said was, ‘What if the menu is different? What if they don’t have sweet potato fries at the new restaurant?’” said Helena. “Carson flipped out. He’s been inconsolable.”

“They just gotta keep them on the menu,” said Carson. “They just gotta.”

Carson has been undergoing counseling these past three months, and has even tried sweet potato fries at other restaurants at his therapist’s suggestion.

“Nothing even comes close,” cried Carson. “Nothing.”

Fall is fast approaching, and though Carson is holding out hope that sweet potato fries will be on the new menu, he remains skeptical.

“What if they keep them on the menu, but they change the recipe? What if they use a new fryer, or different oil? One little change, and the whole universe of deliciousness will crumble around us,” said Carson.

“Sure, he’s a little melodramatic,” said Helena. “But a part of me shares his concerns.”

The couple noted that they’ll wait until the restaurant re-opens, date TBD, before they determine whether or not a move to L.A. is warranted.

When approached for comment, DMK didn't specify exactly when their Evanston location would re-open, though owners Michael Kornick and David Morton did comment that they "hope to meet [Carson and Helena] at our new venue in the fall." 

But this update, despite affirming a fall opening, seemed to upset the Santers duo.

"You asked them whether or not sweet potato fries would be on the menu, right?" asked Carson. "And they didn't address that question directly? What does that even mean? And why did they call it a 'venue' and not a 'location' or 'restaurant'?"

Carson attempted to articulate additional concerns, but was unintelligible through the tears and sputtering.

Fantasy football wives preparing to be single moms for five months

The Soccerer, official mascot of fantasy football, according to people who couldn't care less.

OAK PARK, Ill.—Football season has arrived and, with it, millions of mothers are preparing for months of minimal emotional and psychological support from their partners.

“The first year or two it was pretty tough, but I’ve learned to adjust,” said Nicole Cox, an Oak Park-based mother of two. “Me and some of the other wives in my husband’s league created a Fantasy Wives Club to help support each other in our time of need.”

Nicole’s husband, Bob, started strategizing his team, “Ball Boyz,” in August. His fantasy league, “First Draught Pick,” held their draft in September, and Nicole has scarcely seen him since.

“I mean, the season really just started, but he tunes out of our personal lives mid-August when he starts analyzing stats from the previous season and pre-season games,” said Nicole. “It’s a little tough now that our oldest is in the first grade, and we – I mean, ‘I’ – have to handle back-to-school shopping, vaccinations, orientation, parent/teacher conferences and what-not, but that’s what’s so great about the Fantasy Wives Club.”

The Oak Park chapter of the Fantasy Wives Club was founded in 2009, when the concept of fantasy leagues really started to get out of control.

“I was pregnant with our first child at the time,” said Nicole. “And I needed someone to go with me to Lamaze classes and, eventually, the actual birth of our child. The Fantasy Wives Club really banded together to help make sure we had coverage so our husbands didn’t miss a game.”

“Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great dad the other seven months of the year – well, wait, he’s in a fantasy league for baseball as well, and he creates a bracket every year for college basketball playoffs. But when it’s not baseball, football or basketball season, he really steps up his game,” said Nicole. “During those 2-3 weeks, he’s the best father our children could ask for.”

“He also always remembers to get me flowers and chocolate for Valentine’s Day, which I really appreciate, considering how close that holiday is to the Super Bowl,” said Nicole. “I don’t even mind that he usually forgets to take the receipt out of the Walgreens bag before he hands it to me.”

When approached for comment, Bob continued to stare at his computer screen and simply said, “Yeah, sure, I’ll take another beer. Thanks, babe.”

It’s estimated that 19 million Americans participate in a fantasy football league every year, about 30% of which are married or co-habiting fathers.

Couple scrambles to finish “Coach” before it stops streaming on Netflix

Shelley Fabares

CHICAGO, Ill.—When James and Lily Armstrong started binge watching “Coach,” the popular ABC sitcom that began in 1989 and ran for nine seasons, it was a very casual affair.

“It was late-July, and we’d just finished watching ‘Bojack Horseman.’ We wanted something a little less depressing to watch during meals, and we sorta laughed when we saw ‘Coach’ was streaming,” said James. “We’d watched a few episodes in the 90s as kids and remembered liking it OK.”

“We weren’t expecting it to hold up and were surprised by how quickly we got into it,” added Lily. “It’s a typical 90s sitcom, but the writing and acting are really great. There were some sexist undertones early in the series, but those fade as Coach matures under the influence of his future wife, Christine. And Jerry Van Dyke’s character, Luther, is hilarious – that man is a comedy genius.”

But tragedy struck when they logged in to Netflix earlier this month.

“We were barely into the sixth season when we saw, with horror, that little note in the corner of the screen that says, ‘Available until Sept. 15.’ Which meant we only had ten days to watch 94 episodes,” said James.

A pivotal moment that forever changed the lives of Lily and James Armstrong

Even for two binge-watchers who like to say they “don’t watch much TV, but…” before they talk about all of the TV shows they watch, 94 episodes in two weeks was going to be quite a challenge.

“We both have full-time jobs and generally only watch two, maybe three, episodes a day. But we calculated we’d need to watch nine episodes a day to make it to the end of the series by Sept. 15,” said Lily. “But then we also realized we didn’t know if the show would stop streaming at midnight on Sept. 14, mid-day on Sept. 15, or midnight on Sept. 15.”

It wasn’t a risk they were willing to take, so they set a goal of finishing the series by Sept. 14 and put together a game plan.

“It’s been tough,” said Lily. “We’ve started going to bed around 2 a.m., just so we can squeeze in another episode or two, which has made it difficult to get up for work the next morning. Luckily, we both have some sick time, so we’ve been able to call in and keep watching.”

Unfortunately, watching so many episodes back to back has made various continuity errors glaringly obvious.

“It was very upsetting when Luther’s girlfriend Lorraine just disappeared,” said Lily. “And then the same thing happened with Ruthanne. How could the show do that to us?”

“We’re also worried about the motorcycles Coach Fox and Dauber hid under the porch in season six,” said Lily. “Are they still there, just rotting away? And is Hayden still part owner of the Touchdown Club?”

With 46 episodes left and only two days remaining, the couple has a grueling weekend ahead of them. But they’re hoping a lot of the plot holes will be filled in the coming episodes.

“We’ve cleared our schedules for the weekend,” said Lily. “It won't be easy, but we’re going to get through this.”

“If nothing else,” added James, “This experience has brought us closer together. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life watching television with this woman.”

Tween confused by strange symbols on phone’s keyboard

FORT WAYNE, Ind.—Twelve-year-old Tyler Gottschalk had the surprise of his life today when a series of strange characters appeared on his phone.

“I was texting my friend Joe to see if he wanted to footstep French fry with me, and from out of nowhere these strange symbols appeared,” says Tyler. “It was really creepy.”

Tyler initially shut off his phone for the first time in its two-year existence, let it sit for five minutes, and then turned it back on.

“The guy at the Apple store did that once with my mom’s phone, so I gave it a try,” said Tyler. “At first I thought it’d worked, but as soon as I tried to send a text, there it was again. I thought for sure I’d been hacked,” said Tyler.

Tyler also considered the possibility that aliens were trying to contact him “Kind of like in ‘Earth to Echo,’” but gave up on that lead when they didn’t accept his FaceTime request. Unable to resolve the issue on his own, Tyler eventually enlisted his mother’s help.

“He was really upset,” said Marlene, 32. “He couldn’t even play Candy Crush Saga, all he did was stare at the symbols, pushing them repeatedly in an attempt to create some sort of meaningful message.”

Strange symbols

“The symbols looked kind of familiar to me,” Marlene added. “Like I think I’d seen them in school at some point, maybe in history class. I don’t know.”

Unable to help her son directly, Marlene took Tyler to the University of Chicago’s archaeology department, where they were assisted by 56-year-old Professor Meriwether Hopkins. 

“At first I thought they were joking, but Tyler was shaking and kept asking me if I’d ever seen ‘Earth to Echo,’” said Hopkins. “I explained how, before emojis, people spelled out words using letters, and then showed him how to switch back to his emoji keyboard.”

“It’s pretty crazy,” said Tyler. “I can’t believe people used to talk like that.”

Tyler added that emojis save him “loads of time.”

When asked how he plans to use all the time he saves, Tyler was too busy staring at his phone to respond, but eventually said there’s a new version of Angry Birds he’d really like to try if we'd "just leave him alone for a minute."