Couple scrambles to finish “Coach” before it stops streaming on Netflix

Shelley Fabares

CHICAGO, Ill.—When James and Lily Armstrong started binge watching “Coach,” the popular ABC sitcom that began in 1989 and ran for nine seasons, it was a very casual affair.

“It was late-July, and we’d just finished watching ‘Bojack Horseman.’ We wanted something a little less depressing to watch during meals, and we sorta laughed when we saw ‘Coach’ was streaming,” said James. “We’d watched a few episodes in the 90s as kids and remembered liking it OK.”

“We weren’t expecting it to hold up and were surprised by how quickly we got into it,” added Lily. “It’s a typical 90s sitcom, but the writing and acting are really great. There were some sexist undertones early in the series, but those fade as Coach matures under the influence of his future wife, Christine. And Jerry Van Dyke’s character, Luther, is hilarious – that man is a comedy genius.”

But tragedy struck when they logged in to Netflix earlier this month.

“We were barely into the sixth season when we saw, with horror, that little note in the corner of the screen that says, ‘Available until Sept. 15.’ Which meant we only had ten days to watch 94 episodes,” said James.

A pivotal moment that forever changed the lives of Lily and James Armstrong

Even for two binge-watchers who like to say they “don’t watch much TV, but…” before they talk about all of the TV shows they watch, 94 episodes in two weeks was going to be quite a challenge.

“We both have full-time jobs and generally only watch two, maybe three, episodes a day. But we calculated we’d need to watch nine episodes a day to make it to the end of the series by Sept. 15,” said Lily. “But then we also realized we didn’t know if the show would stop streaming at midnight on Sept. 14, mid-day on Sept. 15, or midnight on Sept. 15.”

It wasn’t a risk they were willing to take, so they set a goal of finishing the series by Sept. 14 and put together a game plan.

“It’s been tough,” said Lily. “We’ve started going to bed around 2 a.m., just so we can squeeze in another episode or two, which has made it difficult to get up for work the next morning. Luckily, we both have some sick time, so we’ve been able to call in and keep watching.”

Unfortunately, watching so many episodes back to back has made various continuity errors glaringly obvious.

“It was very upsetting when Luther’s girlfriend Lorraine just disappeared,” said Lily. “And then the same thing happened with Ruthanne. How could the show do that to us?”

“We’re also worried about the motorcycles Coach Fox and Dauber hid under the porch in season six,” said Lily. “Are they still there, just rotting away? And is Hayden still part owner of the Touchdown Club?”

With 46 episodes left and only two days remaining, the couple has a grueling weekend ahead of them. But they’re hoping a lot of the plot holes will be filled in the coming episodes.

“We’ve cleared our schedules for the weekend,” said Lily. “It won't be easy, but we’re going to get through this.”

“If nothing else,” added James, “This experience has brought us closer together. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life watching television with this woman.”

Tween confused by strange symbols on phone’s keyboard

FORT WAYNE, Ind.—Twelve-year-old Tyler Gottschalk had the surprise of his life today when a series of strange characters appeared on his phone.

“I was texting my friend Joe to see if he wanted to footstep French fry with me, and from out of nowhere these strange symbols appeared,” says Tyler. “It was really creepy.”

Tyler initially shut off his phone for the first time in its two-year existence, let it sit for five minutes, and then turned it back on.

“The guy at the Apple store did that once with my mom’s phone, so I gave it a try,” said Tyler. “At first I thought it’d worked, but as soon as I tried to send a text, there it was again. I thought for sure I’d been hacked,” said Tyler.

Tyler also considered the possibility that aliens were trying to contact him “Kind of like in ‘Earth to Echo,’” but gave up on that lead when they didn’t accept his FaceTime request. Unable to resolve the issue on his own, Tyler eventually enlisted his mother’s help.

“He was really upset,” said Marlene, 32. “He couldn’t even play Candy Crush Saga, all he did was stare at the symbols, pushing them repeatedly in an attempt to create some sort of meaningful message.”

Strange symbols

“The symbols looked kind of familiar to me,” Marlene added. “Like I think I’d seen them in school at some point, maybe in history class. I don’t know.”

Unable to help her son directly, Marlene took Tyler to the University of Chicago’s archaeology department, where they were assisted by 56-year-old Professor Meriwether Hopkins. 

“At first I thought they were joking, but Tyler was shaking and kept asking me if I’d ever seen ‘Earth to Echo,’” said Hopkins. “I explained how, before emojis, people spelled out words using letters, and then showed him how to switch back to his emoji keyboard.”

“It’s pretty crazy,” said Tyler. “I can’t believe people used to talk like that.”

Tyler added that emojis save him “loads of time.”

When asked how he plans to use all the time he saves, Tyler was too busy staring at his phone to respond, but eventually said there’s a new version of Angry Birds he’d really like to try if we'd "just leave him alone for a minute."

Pitchfork writer reprimanded for One Direction mishap

CHICAGO, Ill.—A Twitter faux pas has led Pitchfork writer Madison Fairweather, 26, to lose the respect of her audiophile colleagues.

Having just finished writing a review for the sophomore release of a band you've probably never heard of, Fairweather rewarded herself with a social media break.

"Normally I'm really good at scrolling past videos on Twitter, but today I accidentally clicked on a tweet that caused a video to automatically play," said Fairweather. "To my horror, the video's soundtrack was One Direction’s 'Best Song Ever.'"

One Direction

Fairweather frantically attempted to silence the audio on her phone but it was too late.

"The damage had been done," said Fairweather. "Everyone was staring at me from over their Macbooks, and the girl who sits next to me starting crying."

Chaos erupted in the newsroom, with one graphic designer exclaiming, "What madness is this?" before grabbing Fairweather's phone and throwing it to the floor.

"He started stomping on it, but he wasn't wearing any socks or shoes and was actually hitting 'play' with his toe every time he kicked it," said Fairweather.

Fairweather was called into her editor's work pod, where she attempted to explain what happened.

"Madison tried to say it was just a video tweet that loaded automatically as she was scrolling past, but we at Pitchfork take offenses like this quite seriously. Someone had reportedly seen Justin Bieber on her Spotify playlist last week, so we were already keeping a close eye on her," said her editor, 17-year-old audio savant, Jasper Playlock. “It didn’t help her case at all that she seemed to be pretty upset the day One Direction broke up."

Fairweather was placed on probation, where she’s been tasked with researching obscure Costa Rican noise pop.

“We’re not sure such a band even exists, but we’ve heard rumors and it’s up to Madison to unearth it. A little crate digging will help get her back on the path to musical righteousness,” says Playlock.

Police dog finds, eats poop

CHICAGO, Ill—When Jay's Jewelers went up in flames yesterday, one thing was clear to the Chicago Fire Department: this was the work of an arsonist.

"We called the CPD's K-9 unit to the scene to investigate, and though we knew something sinister was behind the fire, even we weren't prepared for what Sgt. Champ uncovered," said Chris Davis, one of the first firefighters on the scene.

"Champ jumped out of his handler's SUV, sniffed a rag we'd found doused in kerosene, and then got right to work," Davis added.

"I've never seen him respond so quickly," said Champ's handler, CPD Lt. Josh Parnell.

Sgt. Champ, a four-year-old Belgian Malinois who has been on the Chicago Police Department's K-9 unit for a little over a year, has one of the best track records on the force. He's trained to sniff out explosives, weapons, flammables and biological matter. And it was just a matter of minutes before he made a groundbreaking discovery on the scene.

"Champ indicated he'd found something under a fallen beam. We removed the beam to uncover what appeared to be the charred fecal remains of another canine," said Parnell.

Champ rewarded himself for his hard work and promptly ate the fecal matter, wagging his tail and looking at his handler for affirmation of his good deed.

When pressed to confirm just how exactly this furthered their investigation into the cause of the fire, Lt. Parnell indicated this is "just part of Champ's process."

The investigation is ongoing.