i can haz prezident
CHICAGO, Ill.—There might not have been any elections in Chicagoland last night, but that didn’t prevent one north-side feline from accurately predicting the winner in every race she was asked about.
Miss Beatrice Featherbottom, 8 in cat years (40 in human), was given a cell phone with a list of races and candidates, and was asked to touch the screen whenever the name of the winner appeared. She was asked about 36 different elections, and correctly guessed each one.
“I wouldn’t call it ‘guessing,’” corrected her human confidant, Maya West. “She really has a sixth sense when it comes to stuff like this. It’s uncanny. There were only a few races where she even hesitated. For the most part, she knew right away. And regardless of whether or not she paused, she was always spot-on.”
From the elections of Republicans Matt Bevin and Phil Bryant to the governors’ seats in Kentucky and Mississippi, respectively, to lesser-known mayoral races—like Indiana’s Columbia City—Miss Beatrice Featherbottom’s record is untarnished.
“She also predicted Rahm Emanuel’s reelection back in April,” said Maya. “Which was somewhat bittersweet for her, as Emanuel is adamantly opposed to granting animals the right to vote."
Once news of Miss Beatrice Featherbottom's successful predictions began to spread, she was approached to also call the 2016 Presidential election.
Bert + Ernie = Bernie
“She seems to feel pretty strongly that Ben Carson’s popularity will tank in the next month or so, at which point Trump will—like his hair in an autumn breeze—rise again, and approach Carson to be his running mate,” said Maya. “But she's not really happy about it; after she selected those two, she made a sound that could only be described as the cat equivalent of a depressed sigh. As for the Democratic ticket, we’re looking at a Clinton/Sanders lineup. I know, because she keeps pulling up videos of two appropriately named Muppets on my phone.”
As for the final winner, Miss Beatrice Featherbottom has been a little more hesitant. “She honest-to-goodness starts shaking whenever I ask her. I’m pretty sure that’s her way of saying, ‘No matter who wins, we’re screwed.'”