- Arm children and developmentally disabled adults so they can defend themselves when a-holes violate what should be a safe haven.
- More blockbuster films that glorify consequence-free violence.
- Teach gang members how to properly shoot guns, so kids and other innocent victims stop getting caught in the crossfire.
- Blame gun laws before all the facts are in.
- Blame Muslims before all the facts are in.
- Pray for peace and let divine intervention do the rest.
- Go on social media immediately after a shooting occurs, and talk about how awful it is. Break your tweet up into multiple posts to underscore how much you care.
- Keep electing politicians who publicly denounce acts of violence, but then do nothing to stop it.
- Keep Syrian refugees out of our country. You never know when one might be a disgruntled white person in disguise.
- Be outraged for 2-3 days and demand change; refuse to listen to opinions other than your own; and shift your focus to the Kardashians and Starbucks cups soon thereafter.
Interim Chicago Chief Promises To Do A Better Job Covering Up Police Misconduct
Acting CPD Superintendent John Escalante
CHICAGO—Shortly after being appointed interim police superintendent in a city embroiled in gang violence and suffering from an escalating mistrust of public officials, 29-year CPD veteran John Escalante was quick to make one promise to the people of Chicago.
"Gone are the days of using protests and demonstrations to bend government officials to the will of the people," said Escalante. "We as a department need to do a better job covering up police misconduct in the first place, before public dissent even begins. If word hadn't leaked of the video that showed a black teenager being fatally shot by a Chicago police officer sixteen times, we wouldn't have been in this position in the first place."
Escalante lauded the actions of police officers who allegedly deleted surveillance video footage of the shooting at a nearby Burger King as "something to aspire to." He added: "We will make more efforts to clean our bloody footprints from city streets before your camera phones can capture them."
Escalante insists that this will bring peace to the City of Chicago.
"To quote the Bible, 'Knowledge begets distrust. Distrust begets protests. And protests beget violence,'" said Escalante. "We must break this vicious cycle before more police officers lose their jobs."