Genius Second Grader Finishes Times Tables Seconds Before Classmates

DES PLAINES, ILL–Second grader Nate McIntosh stunned his classmates earlier this week when he finished his times tables a good eight, maybe nine, seconds faster than anyone else in class.

“It was really cool," reported classmate Jenny Love.

Bystanders noted that after finishing his worksheet, McIntosh coolly walked to the front of the room and placed his paper on Miss Baldwin’s desk before returning to his seat, a look of boredom upon his face.

“I didn’t know what to do with all of my spare time,” McIntosh told his peers during recess. “I was so bored waiting for everyone else to finish.” 

McIntosh, who previously only had one or two friends in class, has seen his status quickly upgraded.

“We might only be in second grade,” said McIntosh, “but right now I’m flying in first class.”

McIntosh’s presence has been highly sought after at both recess and lunch alike, where different cliques fight over who gets to hang out with him. “Generally, I just alternate between groups,” said McIntosh. “That way everybody gets some time with the Math Master.”

“I never realized he was so smart,” said a googly-eyed Maria Hernandez while hanging upside down from the monkey bars. “He’s so-so-so cute! Do you think he’d sit with me at lunch?”

Classmate Cassandra Dix, who was previously considered to be the best math student in Miss Baldwin’s class, is far from smitten.

“Nate McIntosh thinks he is so smart,” said Dix, refusing to look up from her workbook as she frantically studied multiples of four. “But I’ll show him next week.”

The children’s homeroom and math teacher, Olivia Baldwin, is far less impressed.

“Are the kids still going on about that? Really?” asked Baldwin. “Nate may have turned in his worksheet before anyone else, but he forgot to do the backside. He actually got a failing grade.”

No word yet as to how McIntosh will handle the news.

This is a developing story.

Interim Chicago Chief Promises To Do A Better Job Covering Up Police Misconduct

Acting CPD Superintendent John Escalante

CHICAGO—Shortly after being appointed interim police superintendent in a city embroiled in gang violence and suffering from an escalating mistrust of public officials, 29-year CPD veteran John Escalante was quick to make one promise to the people of Chicago. 

"Gone are the days of using protests and demonstrations to bend government officials to the will of the people," said Escalante. "We as a department need to do a better job covering up police misconduct in the first place, before public dissent even begins. If word hadn't leaked of the video that showed a black teenager being fatally shot by a Chicago police officer sixteen times, we wouldn't have been in this position in the first place."

Escalante lauded the actions of police officers who allegedly deleted surveillance video footage of the shooting at a nearby Burger King as "something to aspire to." He added: "We will make more efforts to clean our bloody footprints from city streets before your camera phones can capture them."

Escalante insists that this will bring peace to the City of Chicago. 

"To quote the Bible, 'Knowledge begets distrust. Distrust begets protests. And protests beget violence,'" said Escalante. "We must break this vicious cycle before more police officers lose their jobs."

Nonsmoker can't get enough of that sweet, secondhand smoke

Cigarettes and cigarette boxes make great fertilizer, as seen here in a planter in downtown Chicago

CHICAGO, Ill.–When Jeanine Dennison's office relocated to Chicago from the suburbs last year, she fell in love with the city. But like many relationships, there was one dark mark that dampened the otherwise sunny affair.

"I just couldn't get over all of the cigarette smoke," said Dennison. "It was insane. I still lived in the suburbs, so I took the Metra every day, and the walk from the train station to my downtown office was literally a haze."

Having few hobbies aside from a love of math, Dennison soon calculated that, on average, she passes 57 lighted cigarettes every day on her way to and from work, lunch-time walks included.

"Sure, I only get one or two good whiffs from each cigarette I pass, but I'd say by the day's end, I've secondhand smoked at least half a pack," said Dennison.

Dennison originally tried to "hopscotch" around the smokers, but with little success.

"No matter what I did, there was always someone walking with a cigarette in their hand. And even though the smoke burned my eyes and throat, caused headaches, and made me a little nauseous, I eventually realized that attempting to avoid it was pointless."

Soon after giving in, things took an unexpected turn for Dennison.

"I've been working in the city for almost a year now, and sometimes find myself seeking out the smoke," she admitted. "It's the strangest thing. I mean, the smoke still burns my eyes and throat and is a confirmed migraine trigger, but it also fills my body with a sense of euphoria that I've never known before. Some of the smells are more exhilarating than others, and I'm drawn to certain ones like a gold digger to a retirement home."

Dennison admits to walking a little more slowly whenever a smoker is in front of her, and has even turned around to trail a smoker who passed her. When asked if she has possibly become addicted, Dennison tried to remain optimistic.

"I mean, sure, I have to clear my throat a lot more than I used to, and I now have what my doctor describes as a 'smoker's cough.' And, yeah, I've started collecting discarded cigarette butts just so I can smell them whenever I need a hit, but that's completely normal... right?"

Man going to hit snooze button just one more time

Life can wait

CHICAGO, Ill.—At 5:35 this morning, Oriole Park man Mitchell Brooks swore this would be the last time he hit the snooze button before getting out of bed.

But sources close to Mitchell confirmed he continued to hit snooze every nine minutes for the next hour.

“Whenever his alarm went off, he’d hit the snooze and swear it'd be the last time,” said his wife, Linda. “It wouldn’t be so annoying, if it weren’t for the fact that he does this every morning, and I have my own alarms to contend with.”

Between their respective phone alarms, the hours of 5 a.m. to 6:30 a.m. are generally riddled with a cacophony of ringtones every three minutes.

“It’s probably the most restless part of our day,” said Linda. “But what are we supposed to do? The human body isn’t designed to get up this early, and let’s be honest—there isn’t really anything that great waiting for us once we do.”

Both contend their reaction to their morning alarm has changed with time.

"I used to jump out of bed at the sound of my first alarm, ready to start the day," said Mitchell. "I'd only hit snooze if I'd been out late with friends the night before. But now that time and disappointment have set in, I have a really hard time taking my alarms seriously. Most mornings they just trigger an emotional response that can best be described as 'Pavlovian depression.'"

He added that when he started using his phone's alarm in lieu of a traditional alarm clock, he initially struggled to find the snooze option every morning, and that delay would sometimes cause him to wake up.

 "But now I don't even have to open my eyes," he continued. "My fingers know exactly where to go."

This cat predicted all of the mayoral and gubernatorial winners in last night’s elections–you’ll never guess who she’s picked to win President

i can haz prezident

CHICAGO, Ill.—There might not have been any elections in Chicagoland last night, but that didn’t prevent one north-side feline from accurately predicting the winner in every race she was asked about.

Miss Beatrice Featherbottom, 8 in cat years (40 in human), was given a cell phone with a list of races and candidates, and was asked to touch the screen whenever the name of the winner appeared. She was asked about 36 different elections, and correctly guessed each one.

“I wouldn’t call it ‘guessing,’” corrected her human confidant, Maya West. “She really has a sixth sense when it comes to stuff like this. It’s uncanny. There were only a few races where she even hesitated. For the most part, she knew right away. And regardless of whether or not she paused, she was always spot-on.”

From the elections of Republicans Matt Bevin and Phil Bryant to the governors’ seats in Kentucky and Mississippi, respectively, to lesser-known mayoral races—like Indiana’s Columbia City—Miss Beatrice Featherbottom’s record is untarnished.

“She also predicted Rahm Emanuel’s reelection back in April,” said Maya. “Which was somewhat bittersweet for her, as Emanuel is adamantly opposed to granting animals the right to vote."

Once news of Miss Beatrice Featherbottom's successful predictions began to spread, she was approached to also call the 2016 Presidential election.

Bert + Ernie = Bernie

“She seems to feel pretty strongly that Ben Carson’s popularity will tank in the next month or so, at which point Trump will—like his hair in an autumn breeze—rise again, and approach Carson to be his running mate,” said Maya. “But she's not really happy about it; after she selected those two, she made a sound that could only be described as the cat equivalent of a depressed sigh. As for the Democratic ticket, we’re looking at a Clinton/Sanders lineup. I know, because she keeps pulling up videos of two appropriately named Muppets on my phone.”

As for the final winner, Miss Beatrice Featherbottom has been a little more hesitant. “She honest-to-goodness starts shaking whenever I ask her. I’m pretty sure that’s her way of saying, ‘No matter who wins, we’re screwed.'”