Paul Simon issues plea for people to stop calling him “Al”

Paul and Simon

NEW CANAAN, Conn.—Following a recent school event for his youngest son, singer-songwriter Paul Simon issued a personal statement asking for others to “please, in the name of all that is holy, stop calling me ‘Al.'"

His plea continues: “When my single ‘You Can Call Me Al’ first released in 1986, concertgoers and interviewers alike started calling me ‘Al.’ Each one thought they were the first person to think of it, and they’d usually say it with a wink, or a pat on the shoulder, and then would laugh at their own joke. For the first week or so, it was mildly amusing at best. After a month, it was outright annoying. That was 29 years ago, and it’s time to stop.”

Attendees at the school event that pushed Simon over the edge reported that another parent, 55-year-old John Marin, introduced himself to Simon by saying, “Do you mind if I call you ‘Al’?” Marin reportedly winked at the end of his question, which triggered a Pavlovian response in Simon, who had to be restrained by other parents. Through the clutches of these bystanders, Simon called Marin an “unimaginative buffoon” who, like countless others, has “grossly oversimplified a song about the universality of midlife crises.”

“I don’t see why he got so upset,” said Marin. “I just wanted to let him know, in my own unique way, that I was a fan. I mean, didn’t he tell us it was OK to call him that?”

Simon estimates he has been called “Al”—primarily by middle-aged white men while winking—no fewer than 17 trillion times since the song’s release.

Missing woman emerges after she finishes reading Ransom Riggs’ “Library of Souls”

Books are things people should read but often don't

BUFFALO GROVE, Ill—When resident Nicole Smithers failed to report for work this past Thursday, her boss took notice.

“She’s always on time,” said Marshall Winston. “So when she didn’t show up, we got worried.”

Numerous attempts to reach Nicole failed, and her social media accounts went dark.

“Normally she posts on Facebook a few times a day,” said friend and coworker Andrea Stephenson. “But her last post was on Wednesday, and it was really esoteric. She was babbling on about ‘hollowgasts’ and ‘wights,’ which in itself was alarming. We were pretty concerned.”

Area police waited the requisite 24 hours before attempting to locate Smithers at her residence.

“We could hear someone mumbling inside but no one answered the door, so we were about to break in when the door was opened ever so slightly,” said Sgt. Michael Murphy. “We could see Ms. Smithers on the other side, her hair disheveled and looking in a pretty worried state. She insisted we remove our sunglasses so she could make sure our eyes had pupils, and open our mouths so she could count our tongues.”

Once Smithers determined the officers posed no danger, she allowed them into her apartment, but was clearly agitated.

“She was holding a book at her side, her thumb marking her place as she paced the room. She said she ‘needed some alone time’ and she ‘just needs to know what happens next,’" said Sgt. Murphy. Smithers admitted she hadn’t eaten since she first bought the book this past Wednesday, and said she might have “minor bladder damage” due to “holding it in” until she got to a place where she could break for a minute, and walk to the bathroom with the book in tow.

Officers determined the book to be Ransom Riggs’ “Library of Souls,” the third and presumably—but not definitively—final installment of his young adult series, “Miss Peregrine’s Peculiar Children.” The book released Sept. 22, and it follows the exploits of Jacob Portman, a Florida teen who discovers he has the peculiar ability to see, communicate with and control creatures that prey on children with other peculiar abilities. Torn between the life he knows and the world that needs him, Jacob endeavors to save peculiardom.

“She said as ‘normals,’ we’d never understand, but she asked us to tell her boss that, ‘bird willing,’ she’d be at work on Monday,” said Sgt. Murphy.

When approached for comment, Smithers waited until she finished the book on Saturday to return our call, at which point she gave the book “11-teen hundred stars.” “That might sound hyperbolic,” she continued, “But it’s just that good.”

“At first I thought there were a few problems—things I initially dismissed as typos—but now I’m pretty sure they’re secret messages,” she continued. “On page 355, for example, the word ‘soul’ is spelled ‘suul’—TWICE. That’s one too many times to be a typo.”

“What does it mean?” asked Smithers. “Did I miss a reference to ‘suul’ elsewhere in the book? Is it similar to but different from ‘soul’? I just don’t know.”

Smithers determined the only way to get to the bottom of this mystery is to read the book again and look for more signs. If there’s still no resolution, she’s going to email Emma—a character in the book whose gmail address is included in the concluding pages—in hopes of putting the issue to bed once and for all. From there, Smithers plans to write some fan fiction, tentatively titled, “I Ain’t No Hollowgast Girl.”

She’s also looking forward to the Tim Burton-directed film debut of the first book, due in theaters Mar. 2016.

“Mostly I just want to know whether or not I’ve been pronouncing ‘ymbryne’ correctly. I mean, Riggs includes a phonetic breakdown at the end of this book, but I won’t really know until the movie comes out,” said Smithers.

When reminded that the Hollywood adaptations of Harry Potter apparently mispronounce “Voldemort,” as author J.K. Rowling revealed earlier this fall, Smithers insisted that Riggs “would never allow that.”

In regards to the scare her two-day disappearance caused family and friends, Smithers shrugged it off as “normals doing what normals do.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Smithers continued. “Hasn’t anyone ever gotten lost in a good book before?”

GOP terrified they might actually have to nominate Donald Trump

Donald Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C.–GOP chairman Reince Priebus was overheard stating at a recent fundraiser for his favorite charity, the National Rifle Association, that he has grave concerns regarding the immediate future of the Republican Party.

"At first I thought [Donald] Trump's candidacy was a big joke that we could laugh about in a week or two," Priebus told an associate at his table. "But it’s been nearly four months since he officially threw his hat into the ring, and he’s been leading the race ever since. I honestly had no idea the American population would take him seriously, and I’m terrified that we might be forced to nominate him in the Republican primary."

Priebus said he’s not sure Trump is really a Republican: “I mean, he has the lack of empathy that so many of us share, but he really takes it to an extreme. It’s like he’s created an entirely new party, powered by right-wing sensibilities, but punctuated with a complete and utter lack of decorum.”

“Don’t get me wrong,” Priebus continued. “I dislike Mexicans as much as the next guy—with the exception of that backstabber Jeb, of course—but even I think Trump’s views are pretty extreme.”

Priebus noted that even if he agreed with Trump’s views, the way Trump plans to fund his platform is “riddled with holes.” Priebus cited Trump’s desire to build an impenetrable wall spanning the entirety of the U.S./Mexico border as an example. When initially asked how he planned to fund the wall, Trump essentially said, “Don’t worry about it.”

But when pressed to give a clear response, Trump said the Mexican government would foot the bill because he’d charge them $100,000 for every immigrant that comes to the United States.

“But how’s he going to charge the Mexican government for people who come here, when he’s sending everyone back?” Priebus asked. “There’s so much illogic to his platform, just thinking about giving him the Republican nomination has been causing night terrors."

“I’m not even kidding,” he continued. “I had to start taking Ambien.”

Priebus added that he has "serious concerns" regarding the American constituency currently supporting Trump.

"They're just nuts," said Priebus. “I mean, I never wanted another Bush to sit in the White House, but I have to admit Jeb is far less likely to set off a series of events that could lead to a nuclear holocaust. Have you heard the way Trump talks about other world leaders? That’s not diplomacy, that’s insanity.”

Trump continues to lead the polls among Republican voters with 21% of the vote. Although that might not seem like a clear majority, it’s actually the largest chunk of the pie, considering the remaining 79% is split between the other 1,027 Republican candidates. Of those currently backing Trump, a select few often begin conversations with “I’m not racist, but…” and the rest are actually more interested in theatrics than politics.

“Oh, I hope he wins,” says registered voter Neil Smith. “The guy is an abrasive megalomaniac without a control switch, but I think it’d be hilarious to see how he handles being the most powerful person on the planet.”

Smith added that a Trump presidency would “make a great reality TV show” and he “really hopes someone out there makes that happen.”

Baby intentionally ruins Chicago man's flight

DENVER, Co–Chicagoan Lance Hardwick was heading home from Denver today when an unruly passenger ruined his otherwise textbook flight.

Man unable to enjoy eye-level sunset due to Machiavellian infant

"I travel a lot for work, but I've never experienced anything like this," said Hardwick. "I mean, sure, I've encountered turbulence, one emergency landing and a drunken Charlie Sheen, but those are all to be expected. Never in a million years did I think I'd have to deal with someone who intentionally ruined my flight."

Hardwick knew the passenger was trouble right from the start.

"I was standing in line in Group 3, and I turn to Group 4 only to see this kid scowling at me. She makes eye contact with me and starts making all of these weird sounds," said Hardwick. "It was really annoying."

Hardwick took comfort in knowing that the child was a group behind him and so would be boarding after him and was unlikely to be seated next to him, but he soon got the shock of his life.

"I'd been standing in line a good 30 minutes – way longer than this kid – when the airline announced overhead that 'parents with small children' could board. So they got on WAY before me – which is totally unfair – and the kid had the nerve to smile at me as she boarded," said Hardwick. "Don't get me wrong, it wasn't one of those innocent goo-goo ga-ga smiles. This was a genuine, shit-eating grin."

Hardwick stated that although the child didn't scream a ton during the flight, "She sometimes whined a bit," which he said was "completely inexcusable."

"My company paid good money for this flight," he continued. "I expect the airline employees as well as my fellow passengers to be far more civil."

The passenger in question, four-month-old Madison Matthews, was unavailable for comment.

Passengers hope Hudson News employee has a great flight

DENVER, Co–Hudson News employee Jasmine James is stocking up on good karma near gate B-32 at Denver International Airport.

"On any given day, I'd say at least four dozen passengers say 'You, too' after I end the transaction with 'Thank you, have a great flight.' Most cashiers take this as a sign that no one is really paying attention, but it means something to me."

Crackers

Passenger Matthew Scott was one such customer today. Scott was stocking up on Coca Cola and Goldfish crackers when he inadvertently told James he hoped she had a great flight.

"I was looking at my phone to see if my flight was still on schedule," said Scott. "The clerk said something as she handed me my receipt, and I just assumed she said 'Have a great day,' so I said 'You, too.' It wasn't until I walked away that I realized she'd said, 'Have a great flight.'"

"It was embarrassing," he added. "I walked back to Hudson News to clarify, but the clerk seemed really upset. She said she was sorry to hear I was taking back my well wishes, but so long as I was there, she was going to take back hers as well. It was really weird."

James estimated that passengers have told her they hope she has a great flight no fewer than 60,000 times over the course of her three years as a cashier at various airport retail establishments. She's hopeful that all of those well wishes will eventually pay off.

"I've never flown anywhere, but I'd like to visit my family in Indianapolis one day," said James. "If all goes as expected, my flight will leave early, there won't be a single child on the plane and I'll get bumped up to first class due to a booking error. It's going to be amazing – and it's all thanks to the cumulative well-wishes I've received these past few years."