Hoosier mom refuses to adjust clock for Daylight Saving Time

"'Daylight Savings [SIC] Time?' more like 'Daylight Savings [SIC] Crime.'" -Annie Maxwell

SOUTH WHITLEY, Ind.—Owing to the complete and total lack of “making an ounce of sense,” Indiana resident Annie Maxwell, 61, did not turn back her clock for Daylight Saving Time last night.

“I didn’t ‘spring forward’ a few months ago, so my clocks stay correct 100% of the year,” said Maxwell. “Meaning there was no need for me to ‘fall back’ this morning.”

Rather than use expressions like “daylight savings [SIC] time” and “standard time,” Maxwell insists there are two ways of denoting time: “right time” and “wrong time.”

In the spring and summer, much of the country is on “wrong time,” according to Maxwell. “I don’t spring forward, so I always know what time it really is.”

Indiana was one of the last states to adopt Daylight Saving Time, followed only by Arizona and Hawaii in its refusal to join the rest of the country, and much of Europe, in their “illogical quest to play with time.” Indiana made the switch in 2006, much to the chagrin of its populace, who has been slow to accept the shift.

“I just don’t understand it,” Maxwell admitted. Her eldest son, Joe, lives in nearby Chicago, which follows Central Time. Most of Indiana falls within the Eastern Time Zone—and Joe made the move to Chicago before Indiana started participating in Daylight Saving Time—which has further complicated matters for Maxwell.

“When I first moved here—before Indiana started doing Daylight Savings [SIC]—our clocks would match for half of the year," said Joe. "The other half of the year, I’d be an hour behind Indiana. That alone was confusing for Mom, but now that Indiana also does Daylight Savings [SIC] Time, it’s doubly so. She’ll call me and ask, ‘What time is it there? Are you in the same time as us now, or an hour ahead?' I have to explain, pretty much every time we talk, that I’m always an hour behind her, regardless of the time of year.”

Maxwell admits that keeping her clocks on “right time” all year has resulted in confusion when it comes to keeping appointments. “In the spring and summer I’m often an hour early—or am I an hour late? I’m really not sure. Point is: I try to take care of business in the late fall and winter, when everyone’s clocks are correct. Though I can see my dentist anytime I want—he stays on ‘right time’ all year as well.”

Maxwell isn’t alone in her frustration. Contrary to popular belief, Daylight Saving Time wasn’t started to help out farmers, who actually fought bitterly against the concept, but rather to conserve energy, something multiple studies have proven it’s failed to do. And if you think Daylight Saving Time is good for your health, think again: studies have shown heart attack rates increase by as much as 10% when we “spring forward” and decrease when we “fall back.”

“I’m really not surprised to hear that, but there’s even more to it than facts and figures,” said Maxwell, waxing philosophical. “God doesn’t play dice with the universe, so why should we play Yahtzee with our clocks?”

“My clock, my choice,” she concluded.

Woman vows to go off the grid if prompted to change her password one more time‏

What are you staring at?

CHICAGO, Ill.–Bucktown resident Michaela Adams nearly had a breakdown at work earlier this week when she was prompted to change her server password.

"Every 60 days, I'm forced to change my password," said Michaela. "They don't let you use your previous 10 passwords, and by the time you get used to your new password, it's time to change it again."

The prompt to change her server password again this week was more than Michaela could handle. Coworkers reportedly heard her sobbing and repeatedly mumbling, "So help me God, if this happens one more effing time, I'm going off the grid."

Michaela eventually stood on her desk in "Dead Poets Society" fashion, and shouted for her coworkers to join her in protest. There was an awkward silence in the room as her coworkers, one-by-one, stopped staring at her and instead turned around and returned to work.

"It was really uncomfortable," said friend and coworker Anna Harris. "I mean, we're all a little tired of the prompts to change our passwords, but just all sorta deal with it, you know?"

Michaela called her coworkers "spineless drones who've all lost the battle against the fiber optic machine" before eventually climbing off of her desk, returning to her computer,  changing her password and then continuing a game of Candy Crush Saga on her phone.

Michaela currently has 24 different usernames and passwords to her name, and since security experts caution against using the same combination for any two accounts – and they further recommend changing those every few weeks – Michaela "just can't keep up."

"I have six different usernames and password combos for work alone, and I'm regularly prompted to change each of those. I have four personal email accounts – one for friends and family, one for business purposes, one for spam and one associated with my blog. That's in addition to accounts for my checking, my savings, three credit cards, electricity, water – I can't even go on. There are just too many!"
 
When asked if she's ever considered using one of the many available apps that stores all of your passwords in one secure location, Michaela balked at the suggestion.

"You mean one of those apps where someone only needs to hack into one account, to be able to hack into ALL of your accounts?" she sighed. "Yeah, that seems like a great idea."

Michaela admits to being disenchanted with technology at large, and said she frequently fantasizes about throwing her iPhone under the tires of an oncoming bus.

"I came really close last night while walking home from work," said Michaela. "The bus was right there, and I'd just realized I'd walked a whole mile without once looking up. I was about to throw my iPhone under the bus when a friend posted a really interesting video on Facebook. Of course I had to watch that first, but by the time I was done, the bus was gone."

Michaela likely suffers from what is clinically known as "Fear of Missing Out" (FOMO), a psychological condition that causes people to be gripped with apprehension whenever they worry someone in their social network is experiencing something positive when they're not present. Mobile phones and popular social media apps are known to enable this condition.

"I just can't stop, no matter how much I want to walk away from it all," said Michaela. "I change my passwords when I'm told, and I keep creating more and more accounts with more and more passwords."

"It's really an awful time to be alive," she concluded. "Absolutely hideous."

Pigs, cattle thrilled with recent W.H.O. report; chickens outraged

Eggward Combs anxiously awaiting his "meeting."

DIASSOCIATED PRESS–The World Health Organization (WHO) issued a report this week that supports the recurring claim that processed meats definitively cause cancer, and red meat most likely does as well. While this report has garnered widespread support by farm animals across the globe, a few parties are vocally upset.

"Why the cluck weren't we included in this finding?" asked Eggward Combs, head chicken of the Union of Poultry Workers (UPW). "Our meat is just as antibiotic-ridden as the next guy. Add to that our living conditions are generally such that our meat is laden with all sorts of chemicals associated with depression, and you'd think we'd have ranked the report as well. And if you think our meat isn't processed, you've clearly never had the chicken nuggets at Wendy's." 

Eggward articulated that while he thinks this report could mark a step in the right direction – the report recommends people cut back on their processed and red meat intake across the board – he's concerned it could be misinterpreted as validation for increasing one's consumption of chicken and poultry. 

"Even lamb is on the 'eat less' list," said Eggward. "But considering only a monster would eat an adorable, fluffy child, I don't expect this to significantly impact their numbers." 

When other farm animals were approached for their response to the WHO report, most were elated but one pig, Sir Francis Bacon, remained wary. 

"Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper," said Bacon. "We mustn't lower our guard. Even though most people, Americans especially, ignore any reports that indicate a lifestyle change is in order, we must continually fight for more and more studies that prove consuming our flesh causes horrible diseases." 

Bacon expressed interest in uniting his cause with Eggward's. Unfortunately, Eggward was unable to respond to Bacon's suggestion, as he had a pressing "appointment" with his farmer. Eggward hasn't been seen since.

Elections for a new UPW head chicken are pending. 

Top 10 ways to get people to notice your blog

Top 10 lists are a great way to bring attention to your blog, especially if you are David Letterman

1.     Lots of vines of dudes getting hit in the family jewels.

2.     Include a photo gallery that consists entirely of different types of rashes.

3.     Turn your site into a mommy blog. Not a mommy? Abduct!

4.     Change your web address to Amazom.com and take advantage of all of those sweet misdirects.

5.     Post a bittersweet story about Syrian refugees being rescued at sea, and let the trolls do the rest.

6.     Begin more conversations with friends and family with, "If you really loved me..." and then give them a business card with your URL.

7.     Celebrity gossip, and lots of it. Don't have the scoop? Do what everyone else does and make crap up.

8.    Aggregate content from smarter, funnier people. Refuse to give credit, and watch the book and TV deals come rolling in.

9.    All gifs, all the time.

10.   Slap a pair of overalls onto your cat. Laugh as their misery and humiliation lead to hits.

10.   Three words: boobies, boobies, boobies.

10.   Top 10 lists are great, but be sure to always cap your list count at 10. Editing is key! 

10.   Post your best material at 3 a.m. when your insomniac friends will be so desperate for reading material, they can't resist.

10.   I have no effing idea. Seriously, can anybody help me?

Logan Square man dreams of finding a dead mouse in his Doritos bag

Many are consumed by their dreams, but Ventura actually eats his

CHICAGO, Ill.—Citing years of putting in his time at the office, Logan Square resident Mack Ventura has one simple request for the cosmos.

“I just want to find a dead mouse or something in a bag of Doritos,” said Ventura. “It doesn’t have to be an actual mouse—I’d settle for a used bandage or something equally grotesque—and it doesn’t have to be a Doritos bag. It could be in a Big Mac, a can of Coke… anything. So long as the company involved is loaded, I mean.”

Ventura added that he “isn’t picky” and just “wants some way out of the daily grind.”

Ventura has worked for the last 16 years in the advertising field. He initially got his start as a design intern at a small agency, and now works as a mid-level designer at an in-house agency for an area business.

“It’s nothing against the people I work with,” said Ventura. “I’m just really tired, you know? I’ve worked hard, I’ve put in my time. And now I want a break.”

Finding something disgusting in a food product from a well-endowed company, according to Ventura, would be just the break he needs.

“People have made several grand for emotional distress alone. You actually bite into the head of the mouse and have physical proof, and you could be set for life,” said Ventura.

Currently single but actively dating, Ventura would like to settle down soon and start a family, something seemingly impossible on his current salary.

“Television shows like ‘Mad Men’ and ‘Who’s the Boss’ make it look like, by this point in my advertising career, I should be swimming through heaps of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck. But as it is, I can barely afford my one-bedroom apartment. I’m still paying off my student loans, and will be for another 37 years,” said Ventura.

But Ventura doesn’t believe in just sitting around and waiting for his destiny. A true go-getter, Ventura eats 12 bags of Doritos a day, and generally takes his meals at “well-established, publicly traded fast food chains.”

“My cholesterol is 220, and my blood pressure averages around 200 over 90, but I figure with every point those levels go up, I’m one step closer to achieving my dream,” said Ventura.

If Ventura never finds a dead mouse or Hepatitis-laced bandage in his food, his plan B is to turn his degrading health into a class-action suit against high-powered convenience food providers.

“It’s like Ralph Waldo Emerson said, you know? You gotta hitch your wagon to the stars,” Ventura added. “Otherwise, what’s the point?”