Netflix envelope beginning to think it will never be opened

Laser disc

CHICAGO, Ill.—After three long months of gathering dust near the television set of Rogers Park residents Ted and Bethany Sanderson, one Netflix envelope is starting to give up hope.

“I just don’t understand,” the envelope seems to say. “Why did you even queue me up if you weren’t ever going to open me?”

The Sandersons admit they don’t really even remember what the envelope contains, but with so many streaming options at their disposal, and fall programming in full swing, they have no idea when, if ever, they’ll get around to opening the envelope.

“I’m pretty sure it’s ‘Big Eyes,’ which I really wanted to see when I added it to our queue,” said Bethany. "But I dunno any more. It just never sounds good, you know?”

The couple admits that most Netflix DVDs sit opened for 2-4 months before they’re ever actually opened. And though cancelling DVD service would result in a 50% drop in their monthly bill, they don’t plan on pulling that trigger anytime soon.

“We don’t have On Demand, Red Box doesn’t appeal to us, and there isn’t a video rental store for a good 100 miles,” said Ted. “So how else are we supposed to watch newer movies?”

The Sandersons estimate they pay roughly $24 per rental, though “when you think about the cost per day, it’s really just about 27 cents. You won’t get a price like that anywhere else,” Bethany added.

The envelope got its hopes up recently when Ted picked it up while dusting around the television.

“I once brought you so much joy,” the envelope reminded Ted. “My arrival was something you looked forward to. But now you toss me aside like common junk mail. But I am not junk! I demand to be opened!”

The envelope, who has self-diagnosed abandonment issues, plans to seek out counseling as soon as it is returned to its Chicagoland sorting center.

You won't believe what this article says

You'll never escape

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Chicagoans hosting "Back to the Future II" viewing parties in record numbers

The documentary, "Back to the Future II: Electric Boogaloo," catalogs a 2015 World Series championship for the Cubs

CHICAGO, Ill.–Can Hollywood predict the future? An entire city–with the exception of a few sour grapes scattered around U.S. Cellular Field–hopes so. 

In fact, Chicagoans have been watching, and re-watching, "Back to the Future II"  en masse. The 1989 time-traveling film predicts a 2015 World Series win for the Cubs, odd timing considering the Cubs actually have a chance to make it to the big game for the first time since 1945. It's this coincidence–or proof of fate, according to some–that has inspired fans to throw viewing parties around the city. 

Andersonville resident Ty Clearwater, 42, hosted one such event.

"I wouldn't call it a viewing party, per se," said Clearwater. "It was more like a prophetic glimpse into our very near future."

"I'd call it a legitimate voodoo ritual," countered party attendee Mack Chase. "I mean, this isn't JUST some movie–it predicts the Cubs win the 2015 World Series, something they haven't accomplished in 107 years. But the film also predicts the rise of the hoverboard–which Lexus unveiled earlier this year–and the advent of Pepsi Perfect, which is also releasing this year. It's the Cubbies' turn to demonstrate the prophetic nature of our Lord and Savior, Marty McFly."

When asked if he has considered that perhaps Lexus and Pepsi intentionally released those items this year precisely because of McFly's time traveling adventure to the year 2015, Chase's mood took a dark turn.

"How dare you question this film's power," he said. "'Back to the Future II' isn't the comedy science fiction it's often mistaken as–it's a documentary."

But even Chase admits a potential World Series win can't be left to the hands of Hollywood alone. Chase and Clearwater have taken it upon themselves and their shamanistic power to help lead the Cubs to victory. Both have "Back to the Future II" playing on a loop in their living room, and each admits to having a row of candles surrounding their TV.

"I don't let my kids watch anything else right now," said Chase. "If it ain't the Cubs or 'Back to the Future II,' we're not watching it."

Chase and Clearwater believe so devoutly in the movie's spiritual power that they have created a church in its honor. They've even filed paperwork with the State of Illinois to give their organization–which they are tentatively calling "The Church of Future Day Saint McFly"–501(c) nonprofit status. 

"My only regret is that my second favorite Cubs film, 'Rookie of the Year,' has yet to come to fruition," said Clearwater. "But with prayer and sacrifice to Saint McFly, next year we'll have a 12-year-old ace pitcher who will put even [Cubs starter] Jake Arrieta to shame."

Paul Simon issues plea for people to stop calling him “Al”

Paul and Simon

NEW CANAAN, Conn.—Following a recent school event for his youngest son, singer-songwriter Paul Simon issued a personal statement asking for others to “please, in the name of all that is holy, stop calling me ‘Al.'"

His plea continues: “When my single ‘You Can Call Me Al’ first released in 1986, concertgoers and interviewers alike started calling me ‘Al.’ Each one thought they were the first person to think of it, and they’d usually say it with a wink, or a pat on the shoulder, and then would laugh at their own joke. For the first week or so, it was mildly amusing at best. After a month, it was outright annoying. That was 29 years ago, and it’s time to stop.”

Attendees at the school event that pushed Simon over the edge reported that another parent, 55-year-old John Marin, introduced himself to Simon by saying, “Do you mind if I call you ‘Al’?” Marin reportedly winked at the end of his question, which triggered a Pavlovian response in Simon, who had to be restrained by other parents. Through the clutches of these bystanders, Simon called Marin an “unimaginative buffoon” who, like countless others, has “grossly oversimplified a song about the universality of midlife crises.”

“I don’t see why he got so upset,” said Marin. “I just wanted to let him know, in my own unique way, that I was a fan. I mean, didn’t he tell us it was OK to call him that?”

Simon estimates he has been called “Al”—primarily by middle-aged white men while winking—no fewer than 17 trillion times since the song’s release.

Missing woman emerges after she finishes reading Ransom Riggs’ “Library of Souls”

Books are things people should read but often don't

BUFFALO GROVE, Ill—When resident Nicole Smithers failed to report for work this past Thursday, her boss took notice.

“She’s always on time,” said Marshall Winston. “So when she didn’t show up, we got worried.”

Numerous attempts to reach Nicole failed, and her social media accounts went dark.

“Normally she posts on Facebook a few times a day,” said friend and coworker Andrea Stephenson. “But her last post was on Wednesday, and it was really esoteric. She was babbling on about ‘hollowgasts’ and ‘wights,’ which in itself was alarming. We were pretty concerned.”

Area police waited the requisite 24 hours before attempting to locate Smithers at her residence.

“We could hear someone mumbling inside but no one answered the door, so we were about to break in when the door was opened ever so slightly,” said Sgt. Michael Murphy. “We could see Ms. Smithers on the other side, her hair disheveled and looking in a pretty worried state. She insisted we remove our sunglasses so she could make sure our eyes had pupils, and open our mouths so she could count our tongues.”

Once Smithers determined the officers posed no danger, she allowed them into her apartment, but was clearly agitated.

“She was holding a book at her side, her thumb marking her place as she paced the room. She said she ‘needed some alone time’ and she ‘just needs to know what happens next,’" said Sgt. Murphy. Smithers admitted she hadn’t eaten since she first bought the book this past Wednesday, and said she might have “minor bladder damage” due to “holding it in” until she got to a place where she could break for a minute, and walk to the bathroom with the book in tow.

Officers determined the book to be Ransom Riggs’ “Library of Souls,” the third and presumably—but not definitively—final installment of his young adult series, “Miss Peregrine’s Peculiar Children.” The book released Sept. 22, and it follows the exploits of Jacob Portman, a Florida teen who discovers he has the peculiar ability to see, communicate with and control creatures that prey on children with other peculiar abilities. Torn between the life he knows and the world that needs him, Jacob endeavors to save peculiardom.

“She said as ‘normals,’ we’d never understand, but she asked us to tell her boss that, ‘bird willing,’ she’d be at work on Monday,” said Sgt. Murphy.

When approached for comment, Smithers waited until she finished the book on Saturday to return our call, at which point she gave the book “11-teen hundred stars.” “That might sound hyperbolic,” she continued, “But it’s just that good.”

“At first I thought there were a few problems—things I initially dismissed as typos—but now I’m pretty sure they’re secret messages,” she continued. “On page 355, for example, the word ‘soul’ is spelled ‘suul’—TWICE. That’s one too many times to be a typo.”

“What does it mean?” asked Smithers. “Did I miss a reference to ‘suul’ elsewhere in the book? Is it similar to but different from ‘soul’? I just don’t know.”

Smithers determined the only way to get to the bottom of this mystery is to read the book again and look for more signs. If there’s still no resolution, she’s going to email Emma—a character in the book whose gmail address is included in the concluding pages—in hopes of putting the issue to bed once and for all. From there, Smithers plans to write some fan fiction, tentatively titled, “I Ain’t No Hollowgast Girl.”

She’s also looking forward to the Tim Burton-directed film debut of the first book, due in theaters Mar. 2016.

“Mostly I just want to know whether or not I’ve been pronouncing ‘ymbryne’ correctly. I mean, Riggs includes a phonetic breakdown at the end of this book, but I won’t really know until the movie comes out,” said Smithers.

When reminded that the Hollywood adaptations of Harry Potter apparently mispronounce “Voldemort,” as author J.K. Rowling revealed earlier this fall, Smithers insisted that Riggs “would never allow that.”

In regards to the scare her two-day disappearance caused family and friends, Smithers shrugged it off as “normals doing what normals do.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Smithers continued. “Hasn’t anyone ever gotten lost in a good book before?”