Hoosier mom refuses to adjust clock for Daylight Saving Time

"'Daylight Savings [SIC] Time?' more like 'Daylight Savings [SIC] Crime.'" -Annie Maxwell

SOUTH WHITLEY, Ind.—Owing to the complete and total lack of “making an ounce of sense,” Indiana resident Annie Maxwell, 61, did not turn back her clock for Daylight Saving Time last night.

“I didn’t ‘spring forward’ a few months ago, so my clocks stay correct 100% of the year,” said Maxwell. “Meaning there was no need for me to ‘fall back’ this morning.”

Rather than use expressions like “daylight savings [SIC] time” and “standard time,” Maxwell insists there are two ways of denoting time: “right time” and “wrong time.”

In the spring and summer, much of the country is on “wrong time,” according to Maxwell. “I don’t spring forward, so I always know what time it really is.”

Indiana was one of the last states to adopt Daylight Saving Time, followed only by Arizona and Hawaii in its refusal to join the rest of the country, and much of Europe, in their “illogical quest to play with time.” Indiana made the switch in 2006, much to the chagrin of its populace, who has been slow to accept the shift.

“I just don’t understand it,” Maxwell admitted. Her eldest son, Joe, lives in nearby Chicago, which follows Central Time. Most of Indiana falls within the Eastern Time Zone—and Joe made the move to Chicago before Indiana started participating in Daylight Saving Time—which has further complicated matters for Maxwell.

“When I first moved here—before Indiana started doing Daylight Savings [SIC]—our clocks would match for half of the year," said Joe. "The other half of the year, I’d be an hour behind Indiana. That alone was confusing for Mom, but now that Indiana also does Daylight Savings [SIC] Time, it’s doubly so. She’ll call me and ask, ‘What time is it there? Are you in the same time as us now, or an hour ahead?' I have to explain, pretty much every time we talk, that I’m always an hour behind her, regardless of the time of year.”

Maxwell admits that keeping her clocks on “right time” all year has resulted in confusion when it comes to keeping appointments. “In the spring and summer I’m often an hour early—or am I an hour late? I’m really not sure. Point is: I try to take care of business in the late fall and winter, when everyone’s clocks are correct. Though I can see my dentist anytime I want—he stays on ‘right time’ all year as well.”

Maxwell isn’t alone in her frustration. Contrary to popular belief, Daylight Saving Time wasn’t started to help out farmers, who actually fought bitterly against the concept, but rather to conserve energy, something multiple studies have proven it’s failed to do. And if you think Daylight Saving Time is good for your health, think again: studies have shown heart attack rates increase by as much as 10% when we “spring forward” and decrease when we “fall back.”

“I’m really not surprised to hear that, but there’s even more to it than facts and figures,” said Maxwell, waxing philosophical. “God doesn’t play dice with the universe, so why should we play Yahtzee with our clocks?”

“My clock, my choice,” she concluded.

Pigs, cattle thrilled with recent W.H.O. report; chickens outraged

Eggward Combs anxiously awaiting his "meeting."

DIASSOCIATED PRESS–The World Health Organization (WHO) issued a report this week that supports the recurring claim that processed meats definitively cause cancer, and red meat most likely does as well. While this report has garnered widespread support by farm animals across the globe, a few parties are vocally upset.

"Why the cluck weren't we included in this finding?" asked Eggward Combs, head chicken of the Union of Poultry Workers (UPW). "Our meat is just as antibiotic-ridden as the next guy. Add to that our living conditions are generally such that our meat is laden with all sorts of chemicals associated with depression, and you'd think we'd have ranked the report as well. And if you think our meat isn't processed, you've clearly never had the chicken nuggets at Wendy's." 

Eggward articulated that while he thinks this report could mark a step in the right direction – the report recommends people cut back on their processed and red meat intake across the board – he's concerned it could be misinterpreted as validation for increasing one's consumption of chicken and poultry. 

"Even lamb is on the 'eat less' list," said Eggward. "But considering only a monster would eat an adorable, fluffy child, I don't expect this to significantly impact their numbers." 

When other farm animals were approached for their response to the WHO report, most were elated but one pig, Sir Francis Bacon, remained wary. 

"Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper," said Bacon. "We mustn't lower our guard. Even though most people, Americans especially, ignore any reports that indicate a lifestyle change is in order, we must continually fight for more and more studies that prove consuming our flesh causes horrible diseases." 

Bacon expressed interest in uniting his cause with Eggward's. Unfortunately, Eggward was unable to respond to Bacon's suggestion, as he had a pressing "appointment" with his farmer. Eggward hasn't been seen since.

Elections for a new UPW head chicken are pending. 

Logan Square man dreams of finding a dead mouse in his Doritos bag

Many are consumed by their dreams, but Ventura actually eats his

CHICAGO, Ill.—Citing years of putting in his time at the office, Logan Square resident Mack Ventura has one simple request for the cosmos.

“I just want to find a dead mouse or something in a bag of Doritos,” said Ventura. “It doesn’t have to be an actual mouse—I’d settle for a used bandage or something equally grotesque—and it doesn’t have to be a Doritos bag. It could be in a Big Mac, a can of Coke… anything. So long as the company involved is loaded, I mean.”

Ventura added that he “isn’t picky” and just “wants some way out of the daily grind.”

Ventura has worked for the last 16 years in the advertising field. He initially got his start as a design intern at a small agency, and now works as a mid-level designer at an in-house agency for an area business.

“It’s nothing against the people I work with,” said Ventura. “I’m just really tired, you know? I’ve worked hard, I’ve put in my time. And now I want a break.”

Finding something disgusting in a food product from a well-endowed company, according to Ventura, would be just the break he needs.

“People have made several grand for emotional distress alone. You actually bite into the head of the mouse and have physical proof, and you could be set for life,” said Ventura.

Currently single but actively dating, Ventura would like to settle down soon and start a family, something seemingly impossible on his current salary.

“Television shows like ‘Mad Men’ and ‘Who’s the Boss’ make it look like, by this point in my advertising career, I should be swimming through heaps of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck. But as it is, I can barely afford my one-bedroom apartment. I’m still paying off my student loans, and will be for another 37 years,” said Ventura.

But Ventura doesn’t believe in just sitting around and waiting for his destiny. A true go-getter, Ventura eats 12 bags of Doritos a day, and generally takes his meals at “well-established, publicly traded fast food chains.”

“My cholesterol is 220, and my blood pressure averages around 200 over 90, but I figure with every point those levels go up, I’m one step closer to achieving my dream,” said Ventura.

If Ventura never finds a dead mouse or Hepatitis-laced bandage in his food, his plan B is to turn his degrading health into a class-action suit against high-powered convenience food providers.

“It’s like Ralph Waldo Emerson said, you know? You gotta hitch your wagon to the stars,” Ventura added. “Otherwise, what’s the point?”

Netflix envelope beginning to think it will never be opened

Laser disc

CHICAGO, Ill.—After three long months of gathering dust near the television set of Rogers Park residents Ted and Bethany Sanderson, one Netflix envelope is starting to give up hope.

“I just don’t understand,” the envelope seems to say. “Why did you even queue me up if you weren’t ever going to open me?”

The Sandersons admit they don’t really even remember what the envelope contains, but with so many streaming options at their disposal, and fall programming in full swing, they have no idea when, if ever, they’ll get around to opening the envelope.

“I’m pretty sure it’s ‘Big Eyes,’ which I really wanted to see when I added it to our queue,” said Bethany. "But I dunno any more. It just never sounds good, you know?”

The couple admits that most Netflix DVDs sit opened for 2-4 months before they’re ever actually opened. And though cancelling DVD service would result in a 50% drop in their monthly bill, they don’t plan on pulling that trigger anytime soon.

“We don’t have On Demand, Red Box doesn’t appeal to us, and there isn’t a video rental store for a good 100 miles,” said Ted. “So how else are we supposed to watch newer movies?”

The Sandersons estimate they pay roughly $24 per rental, though “when you think about the cost per day, it’s really just about 27 cents. You won’t get a price like that anywhere else,” Bethany added.

The envelope got its hopes up recently when Ted picked it up while dusting around the television.

“I once brought you so much joy,” the envelope reminded Ted. “My arrival was something you looked forward to. But now you toss me aside like common junk mail. But I am not junk! I demand to be opened!”

The envelope, who has self-diagnosed abandonment issues, plans to seek out counseling as soon as it is returned to its Chicagoland sorting center.

Chicagoans hosting "Back to the Future II" viewing parties in record numbers

The documentary, "Back to the Future II: Electric Boogaloo," catalogs a 2015 World Series championship for the Cubs

CHICAGO, Ill.–Can Hollywood predict the future? An entire city–with the exception of a few sour grapes scattered around U.S. Cellular Field–hopes so. 

In fact, Chicagoans have been watching, and re-watching, "Back to the Future II"  en masse. The 1989 time-traveling film predicts a 2015 World Series win for the Cubs, odd timing considering the Cubs actually have a chance to make it to the big game for the first time since 1945. It's this coincidence–or proof of fate, according to some–that has inspired fans to throw viewing parties around the city. 

Andersonville resident Ty Clearwater, 42, hosted one such event.

"I wouldn't call it a viewing party, per se," said Clearwater. "It was more like a prophetic glimpse into our very near future."

"I'd call it a legitimate voodoo ritual," countered party attendee Mack Chase. "I mean, this isn't JUST some movie–it predicts the Cubs win the 2015 World Series, something they haven't accomplished in 107 years. But the film also predicts the rise of the hoverboard–which Lexus unveiled earlier this year–and the advent of Pepsi Perfect, which is also releasing this year. It's the Cubbies' turn to demonstrate the prophetic nature of our Lord and Savior, Marty McFly."

When asked if he has considered that perhaps Lexus and Pepsi intentionally released those items this year precisely because of McFly's time traveling adventure to the year 2015, Chase's mood took a dark turn.

"How dare you question this film's power," he said. "'Back to the Future II' isn't the comedy science fiction it's often mistaken as–it's a documentary."

But even Chase admits a potential World Series win can't be left to the hands of Hollywood alone. Chase and Clearwater have taken it upon themselves and their shamanistic power to help lead the Cubs to victory. Both have "Back to the Future II" playing on a loop in their living room, and each admits to having a row of candles surrounding their TV.

"I don't let my kids watch anything else right now," said Chase. "If it ain't the Cubs or 'Back to the Future II,' we're not watching it."

Chase and Clearwater believe so devoutly in the movie's spiritual power that they have created a church in its honor. They've even filed paperwork with the State of Illinois to give their organization–which they are tentatively calling "The Church of Future Day Saint McFly"–501(c) nonprofit status. 

"My only regret is that my second favorite Cubs film, 'Rookie of the Year,' has yet to come to fruition," said Clearwater. "But with prayer and sacrifice to Saint McFly, next year we'll have a 12-year-old ace pitcher who will put even [Cubs starter] Jake Arrieta to shame."